Week 7 Rewind------ I'M BACK B1TCH3S!!!!!

It was an exciting week people.  I started a new job, won this week in fantasy, and most importantly didn't have to wear blue polyester at work for the first time in seven years.  I'm sure most of you have quit reading by now since you have realized that your beloved Grant isn't writing this weeks recap.  Unfortunately he was too busy cutting himself with razor blades after his loss to get to it this week.
So without further ado lets get to it!  and I promise no burgers or HAM this week...

Gronk Smash! 131.78, Chiefs 126.78
So Scott Finally pulls off another win, word has it after news of his victory he was immediately rushed to the hospital.  A few pints of blood and several drugs later Scott commented a single word "Victory!"  All kidding aside glad to see my hetero-sexual life mate is alive and kicking.   Scott's team was lead to victory by Vincent Jackson and of course the Gronk.  The Chiefs team's biggest disappointment was Trent Richardson putting up a CJ like 1.90 points.  A more normal week out of Trent and this game could have gone the other way.  Ehhhh, with both teams at 2-5 we could have seen a   preview of the Toilet Bowl so lets move on.

Next Up:  GronkSmash Vs. Packers
Next Up:  Chiefs Vs. DaBears

Bear Down Brawlers Vs. Patriots
Well so much for the Ellis Mafia.  Amy losing this week obviously debunks any possibilities of some sort of conspiracy.  I mean obviously if there was a conspiracy I wouldn't have willingly lost to my wife, just to turn around and let Don beat her later on.  Unless that's exactly what we want you to think... Bawahahah!  Thanks though Don it is nice to be wearing the pants again in the family.  Don's team was lead by the high scoring Arian Foster with 23.90 points, not quite CJ against Buffalo points but very respectable none the less.  Fortunately the Texans take bye this week and Don will be without his star running back when he plays myself.  Another link in the Ellis Mafia chain?????

Next Up:  Bear Down Brawlers Vs.  Ben there Raped that
Next Up:  Patriots  Vs.  Sawyer Shinobi's

Packers 170.08, Stairway to 7  94.50

Well what do you say with this one.  The Packers keep on finding a way to win while Stairway to 7 has found themselves in a 6 game slump.  So this one was a massacre people with nearly 40 points from Drew Brees and several other players hitting double digits on the Packers team it made for an easy victory.  The only dimly lit spot for Stairway to 7 was Houston's D putting up 25 points.  (Hey Fetter lets talk trade)  Fetter is done for the fantasy season and has now turned his concentration towards avoiding the "Golden Plunger."  I really feel for Fetter being near the top in points and in last place and then I can just picture Brad hearing that news, grinning devilishly, and laughing at his misfortune, and it makes me feel better.  Look on the bright side Fetter there's nowhere else to go but up!


Next Up:  Packers Vs Gronk Smash
Next Up:  Stairway to 7 Vs Decatur Staleys

49ers  101.42,  Sawyer Shinobi's  90.12
Oh look Patrick decided to start playing.  Oh wait it was against Johnathon, that doesn't count!  I'm just kidding it's good to see Patrick win a game, so hopefully my playoff predictions will pan out.  Neither team was very high scoring this week, but in fantasy you'll have those weeks.  The Shinobi's better be careful though or their comeback year for the super bowl will slip through their fingers.  A couple things stood out for me in this match up 1.  Johnathon Dwyer scored more points than most of my running backs and 2.  Vernon Davis only had 1 point and that was for a tackle.  We'll Just have to see if these two teams can turn their playoff hopes around next week.

Next Up:  49ers Vs Boondock Saints
Next Up:  Sawyer Shinobi's Vs Patriots


DaBears  127.52, Decatur Staleys  122.62

I just want to start this one off by saying Ha!  Hahahahahahahaahahah! and neener neener neeeeeener.  It must suck to be you Grant.  Only thing worse than losing by 5 points is losing by a 1/2 point.  (Oooohhh too soon Corey?)  It was a close game only made closer by the fall of MoJo but even after losing a strong starter DaBears were consistent enough to pull off a narrow.  I got to say I really enjoy how Grant has become the villan this year.  It almost seems that everyone would rather beat him more than myself.  I said almost...
I almost forgot I wake every morning wondering how I can screw with Todd in Fantasy Football.  I see the players he might bid on and decide that I will just bid a little bit more.  SMH...

Next Up:  DaBears Vs Chiefs
Next Up:  Decatur Staleys Vs Stairway to 7


Ben there Raped that  126.50, Boondock Saints  75.68

If you're still reading down here I have two syllables for you "C. J."  I hope he's back, but I doubt it.  Because if he is ooohhhss!  Nooooo!  Anyways I would say it was a good game but Cory got stomped.  I was almost feeling bad for him by Sunday night.  But not that bad.  I don't know if he was suffering from the bye week blues or what but his entire team just didn't show up last week.  Bad for him, great for me.

Next Up:  Ben there Raped that Vs Bear Down Brawlers
Next Up:  Boondock Saints Vs 49ers

Week 6 Rewind — The Mayans are coming

Did Amy draft this Patriot, too?

Patriots 165.90, 49ers 138.94

We'll run through a slap fight and a brick-stuffed pillow fight later. But first we start with the true slugfests that were Week 6. The biggest KO of those slugfests was Amy's Patriots, who move to 5-1 with a 165.90-138.94 win over the 49ers. Tom Brady had 26.80 points, Wes Welker had 21.80 points and Steven Ridley had 3.40. You read that right, a Patriot didn't drop a 20 bomb this week. Fortunately, Antonio Gates answered the bell with 21.10 points on Monday Night Football. Bernard Pollard (10.50) and John Abraham (15) went HAM in the individual defender slots. For the record, Sunday marks exactly two months before the Mayan calender expires. The Atlanta Falcons have the best record in football, and Amy is tied atop the league standings with a 5-1 record. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Michael Vick held onto the ball long enough to score 28.34 points, Larry Fitzgerald had 15.30 and Sidney Rice had 14.10 among a slew of dub fig days at the top of the 49ers roster. Adrian Peterson had 12.90 and Doug Martin had 14.10. Elvis Dumervil dropped 14 in the DL spot to round out a pretty solid fantasy week. The only problem? Facing Amy's on-fire Pats.

NEXT UP: Patriots vs. Bear Down Brawlers

NEXT UP: 49ers vs. Sawyer Shinobi's

Packers 156.34, Chiefs 143.52

The Packers move to 5-1 and the difference in a win and a loss in Week 6 comes down to a ginger quarterback. At this point, scroll back up to re-read the Mayan calender comments. Andy Dalton had a gingerbread-sandwich 27.74 points and AJ Green went off (again) for a 27-point day on the receiving end of the Bengals loss in Cleveland. (Cleveland won, that's not a typo. Mayans, man. Mayans.) Stephen Gostkowski had 11 points to continue making the points that every single New England Patriot on roster is a great fantasy option. Ray Lewis had a RIP 11 points, as the big man is done for the season after tearing his triceps.

I would be so pissed if one of my dudes dropped a double-50-burger with pickles, lettuce tomato and extra cheese on a sesame seed bun and I still lost. Oh, wait. That happened this week for the Chiefs. Aaron Rodgers had six — SIX! — touchdown passes in a beatdown of the Texans in Houston for a grand total of 53.22 points. The rest of the roster had 90.70 points. Again, Aaron Rodgers: 53.22 points; rest of roster: 90.70 points. 

NEXT UP: Packers vs. Stairway to Seven

NEXT UP: Chiefs vs. Gronk Smash!

He's so fat.

Da Bears 161.24, Stairway to Seven 155.66

Go back to your childhood. Remember when Lucy pulls the ball away from Charlie Brown just when he's about to kick it. That happens to Stairway to Seven every single week. EVERY SINGLE WEEK. This week, stairway dropped dub figs in six roster spots, including Peyton Manning's 30-burger, Ahmad Bradshaw's 20-burger and a fourth-quarter only 15.50 from Megatron. Jermaine Gresham led all tight ends in Week 6 with 12.80 and Mike Wallace had a big-time 15.40 on Thursday Night Football. J.J. Watt kept being J.J. Watt, scoring 11.50 in the DL spot. What's it all add up to? A 6-point loss to Da Bears after dropping 155 points. EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK.

Fat Stafford had 25.14 points, basically, all in the fourth quarter and Jordy Nelson dropped a white boy 32-burger with HAM to help Da Bears to the win. Welcome back to Shon Greene, who used his flux capacitor and a 1983 Delorean to go back in time for a 39-burger with extra way-back sauce. It won't last, though. It can't right. Mayans, man. Mayans.

NEXT UP: Da Bears vs. Decatur Staleys

NEXT UP: Stairway to Seven vs. Patriots

Bear Down Brawlers 101.68, Boondock Saints 101.12

Take a look at that final score one more time. How bad does that suck for Boondock? Bad. Arian Foster had 16 points in the Texans' Sunday Night Football loss against the Packers, Matt Bryant had 12 points in the kicker slot and that was it for dub fig performances as Don's Brawlers squeaked by this week with a half-point win. Philip Rivers tried his best to cost the Brawlers the matchup with his God awful Monday Night Football performance, but his 9.64 points were 9.08 points enough to get the win.

Eli Manning had 13.52 points for Boondock and the Jets D/ST dropped 20 against the Suck for Luck Colts in this all-kinds-of-pissed-off loss. Jeremy Maclin finally showed up, putting down a 21-burger in a losing effort against Detroit. Justin Tuck doughnut'd in the DL spot and Brian Hartline put up another doughnut in the W/T flex. None of that matters, though. The fact is Boondock lost by .56. And that just sucks.

NEXT UP: Bear Down Brawlers vs. Patriots

NEXT UP: Boondock Saints vs. Ben There Raped That

Maybe this will cheer Scott up.

Decatur Staleys 134.48, Gronk Smash! 122.42

For whatever reason, this one seemed like the slap fight of the week. For Decatur, it was RGIII that delivered the fatal slap, though, running for a 76-yard touchdown to cap the late schedule of games that gave the Staleys a win over the man who invited me to this league to begin with. RGIII's 39-burger was the only noteworthy performance in this matchup. Ray Rice had a more normal 22-point day for him in a season that's been much more disappointing than what he's made look normal in the past. Kenny Britt may not be a sack of flaming dog terds after all, as he scored his first touchdown Thursday night to help the Titans come from behind to beat the Steelers. KB finished with 12.20 points. The Bucs D/ST had 17 points against those awful, awful Chiefs powered by that awful, awful Brady Quinn.

Smash! opted for Ben Roethlisberger over Joe Flacco, proving Scott isn't so Wacco for Flacco. At least not right now. The Big Berger had 21.92 points against the Titans, leading Smash! in points in Week 6. Percy Harvin (how consistent has he been this year?) had another dub-fig day with 15 points and Vincent Jackson went off again with 18 points against those same awful, awful Chiefs. Shady McCoy had 18.60 points but the big blow going forward — at least to Week 7 — for Smash! is Jerry Jones saying this week that DeMarrco Murray won't play Sunday because of a bad ankle.

NEXT UP: Decatur Staleys vs. Da Bears

NEXT UP: Gronk Smash! vs. Chiefs

Ben There Raped That 152.46, Sawyer Shinobi's 77.50

If Staleys-Smash! was a slap fight, this one was a pillow fight. And the commish brought a pillow stuffed with bricks to the party. Eight of Ben There's 13 roster spots dropped dub figs, led by Dez Bryants' 2012 awakening, scoring 21.50 points despite dropping the two-point conversion that would've helped Dallas to a win Sunday in Baltimore. Matt Ryan had a un-Matty Ice day with 12 points and Chris Johnson had an unlike-CJ day with 12.40 points. Roddy White had 13, Run DMC had 14 and Jason Hanson had 14 in the commish's consistently consistent beat down. In the individual defender slots, Chandler Jones (DL) had 13.50 and Daryl Washington (LB) had 14 points just for a kick to the nuts.

Exactly one week after pummeling Decatur into fantasy submission, the Shinobi's had exactly one dub fig day. That was Victor Cruz, who had a run-of-the-mill 11.80 points. Andrew Luck put together his own “Suck for Luck” campaign with 5.10 points. Others that sucked: Reggie Wayne (6.70); Jamaal Charles (4.70); Toby Gerhart (1.10). Insult to injury: LaDarius Webb, who was in the Shinobi's CB spot, is done for the year after tearing his ACL Sunday against Dallas. Webb's teammate and Shinobi's fantasy teammate Haloti Ngata (in Shinobi's DL spot) is also questionable with an injury heading into Week 7. 

NEXT UP: Ben There Raped That vs. Boondock Saints

NEXT UP: Sawyer Shinobi's vs. 49ers

POWER RANKINGS

Pl. | Team | Record | Points For | Points Against

1. Packers | 5-1 | 864.64 | 775.86

2. Patriots | 5-1 | 782.50 | 733.40

3. Ben There Raped That | 4-2 | 818.78 | 663.30

4. Bear Down Brawlers | 4-2 | 806.92 | 725.12

5. Sawyer Shinobi's | 4-2 | 754.56 | 719.92

6. Decatur Staleys | 4-2 | 752.86 | 787.82

7. Da Bears | 3-3 | 823.96 | 834.68

8. Chiefs | 2-4 | 734.28 | 815.64

9. Boondock Saints | 2-4 | 721.28 | 731.78

10. Stairway to Seven | 1-5 | 873.60 | 917.68

11. Gronk Smash! | 1-5 | 779.06 | 822.56 

12. 49ers | 1-5 | 707.08 | 891.56

I'll end it the way I should ever week from now on. With this guy.

Amy's 5-1? ... ALIENS.

Week 5 — Ball Outs and Beat Downs

MJD's neck has more depth than Decatur. Fact.

Sawyer Shinobi's 155.64, 
Decatur Staleys 83.84

Let's just get right to it, because I know you're all waiting for me to write it: I took the fantasy beating of my life in Week 5. Like 'Who even let this guy in the league?' kind of beat down. A 'banana in my pocket and turned a monkey loose' slaughter. Being without Miles Austin (bye week) and Lance Moore (hamstring) exposed my extremely thin bench. Also, choosing to trade for RGIII between Week 4 and 5 proved to be THE BEST DECISION EVER (RGIII Weeks 1-4: 31, 32, 27, 24; RGIII Week 5: 4 points, concussion). I had two doughnuts in my starting lineup in attempting to makeup for the absence of Moore and Miles via free agency: Greg Little (CLE) and Jacoby Jones (BAL). My third free agent pick up last week was Henry Melton. He also doughnut'd. A combined 23.20 points from Marhsawn Lynch and Ray Rice didn't help matters. I'd also like to thank Dennis Pitta for not showing up for a third straight week. Counting RGIII's pre-concussed 4 points, I've had a COMBINED 9 points at the quarterback position over the last THREE WEEKS. 9! And insult to injury: I had zero touchdowns in my starting lineup. 0!!!! Just embarrassing. Seriously, awful. 

Enough of that beat down, on to the 'ball outs' portion of the headline. Sawyer Shinobi's pummeled me into submission and didn't even need Cam Newton (7.84) to help in the matter. Reggie Wayne, who apparently hit the fountain of youth with Andrew Luck at QB in Indy, went for a 2007-like 37.20 points. Victor Cruz had 23 points, including three touchdowns (3!!!) and Jamaal Charles kept up his 'I'm the only viable option in this offense' production in KC with 18.10 points. Alshon Jeffery had 8 points (including a score) before hurting his hand (he'll reportedly miss 4-6 weeks) in the second half in Jacksonville. The Baltimore D/ST contributed consistent numbers like it always does, finishing with 15 points after holding Charles and the aforementioned KC offense to 6 points. 

NEXT UP: Decatur Staley's vs. Gronk Smash!

NEXT UP: Ben There Raped That vs. Sawyer Shinobi's

Bear Down Brawlers 203.96, Stairway to Seven 163.60

The most impressive of the Week 5 ball outs goes to Don's Bear Down Brawlers, who cracked the two-bills barrier with 203.96 points in a win over Stairway to Seven, who had the misfortune of drawing the two-bill Brawlers in a week with a no-way-I-should-lose 163.60 points. The Brawlers had nine of 13 starters drop dub-figs (Philip Rivers, 25.16; Malcom Floyd, 12.80, Marques Colston, 33.10; Ryan Matthews 19.90; Arian Foster, 27.80, Tony Gonzalez, 20.30, Matt Forte, 14.70; Sean Witherspoon, 12.50; San Fran D/ST 13.00). The now healthy additions of Matt Forte and Ryan Matthews makes two-bills not out of the question in the coming weeks. Another fountain of youth development: Tony Gonzalez (four touchdowns in five weeks). Colston and Foster just put up sick numbers. Congrats, Don.

Had I scored 163 points and lost, you wouldn't be reading this, because I would've thrown my laptop out the window by now. Seven got 32.70 from Peyton Manning, 15.50 from Julio Jobnes and a welcome-back-35 burger from a now-healthy Ahmad Bradshaw and still lost by 40. Bradshaw was the good news. The bad news was one-time-free-agent-superstar Andre Brown's doughnut playing behind Bradshaw. Mike Wallace laid a 1.70-point egg but Reggie Bush had a bounce-back 13.20. Another fun note to ponder: All three of Seven's defenders (Roman Harper, 10.50; J.J. Watt, 11.00; James Laurinaitis, 11.50) dropped dub-figs in the no-way-this-should've-been-a-loss losing effort. Condolences, Eric.

NEXT UP: Bear Down Brawlers vs. Boondock Saints

NEXT UP:  Stairway to Seven vs. Da Bears

Give that man an extension. 

Packers 117.40,
Ben There Raped That 104.20

How is Drew Brees not the No. 1 overall pick in every fantasy draft every year? Dude is money in the bank. First five weeks for Brees this year: 29.56, 23, 26.5, 40.84, 38.60 points. The 38-burger this week helped Brandon come-from-behind during Sunday Night Football to beat the Commish's Ben There squad. A.J. Green had, at least by A.J. Green standards, a let down with 12.50 points after going for a combined 50.10 points in Weeks 3 and 4. Frank Gore had 18 in San Fran and Ray Lewis dropped a dub-fig defender day with 10 points. A potentially large blow to the Packers could be the loss of Danny Amendola, who was injured in the Rams Thursday Night Football win over the Cards. Amendola, who is out anywhere between 4-7 weeks according to reports, had 51.90 points over the first four weeks. 

The Commish had another steady performance from Matt Ryan (24.20 points). That was really about it. The only other real highlights were Brandon Marshall's 23.40 points (two straight weeks for this half of the Ambiguously Gay Duo going over 100 yards receiving), Blair Walsh bringing in 12 points in the kicker slot and Courtland Finnegan 11.50 points from the DB position. Letdowns included the usually-big-time-WR Torrey Smith (3.80), always-terrible Chris Johnson (0.90) and Jimmy Graham (0.40). Roddy White had 6.80 points in the flex. So take that, Brock. At least both halves of our Week 4 trade were pretty much terrible in Week 5.

NEXT UP: Packers vs. Chiefs

NEXT UP:  Ben There Raped That vs. Sawyer Shinobi's

49ers 126.50, Gronk Smash! 114.18

The 49ers didn't really get any over the top performances, but a 126.50 total was enough to finally get into the win column. The Rams D/ST had a big-time 27-point total on Thursday Night Football and Michael Vick put in a more consistent (something he's not been a lot of this year) 16 points. Larry Fitzgerlad had an 'eh' 9.20 and DeAngelo Williams decided a doughnut was good enough, finishing the day with -0.40 points. That's not a typo. That's a negative. A few dub-fig days (other than the already mentioned Vick and Rams D/ST) carried Sean's squad in this one: Adrian Peterson (10.30); Vernon Davis (12.60); Michael Crabtree (19.30) and Von Miller (15.50). Welcome to the W club, Sean.

The slide to start the season continues for Scott's Gronk Smash! squad. And to quote Scott (from Saturday morning), “If I lose this week, I'm going to kill myself.” So stay tuned for developments on that front. The loss wasn't without bright spots: Percy Harvin (25.60 points), Shady McCoy (14.00) and Justin Tucker (10.00) in the K slot. Joe Wacko-for-Flacco had a oomf 6.88 points to lead the disappointment. The Law Firm BJG-E had 1.60 and the Gronk had 3.50. Other than those three, not a terrible week for the Smash!, but the terrible start to the season continues. Can somebody get a pulse check on Scott?

NEXT UP: Gronk Smash! vs. Decatur Staleys

NEXT UP:  49ers vs. Patriots

Patriots 126.12, Da Bears 111.84

Another big day from Amy's Patriots trio and another win for Amy. Tom Terrific had 20.72, Wes Welker had 18.40 and Steven Ridley went for a second-straight 25 burger. That's 64.22 from the three, or an average of roughly 21.4 per Pat. That write-in draft pick Alfred Morris had another 15 points this week (that's 21.6. 8.9, 14.8, 18.9 and 16.5 through five weeks, if you're scoring at home). Lawrence Tynes was the only other dub-fig, with 11 points. Domenik Hixson had an 'ugh' 5 points and Eric Decker had an 'eh' 8.10, but those two are not matter. Amy keeps rolling behind her New Englanders. And if you're asking who's matched up against Amy the week of the Pats' bye, that would be me (in Week 9, Oct. 30-Nov. 5). That was literally the highlight of my fantasy week. That. 

Da Bears had big days from the Chicago D/ST (31 points) and Daniel Thomas (21.80 points), but it was all quiet up and down the line-up from there. Ryan 'The Amish Rifle” Fitzpatrick had a shoot-himself-in-the-foot 3.14, MJD had a where-were-you 5.90 points and Jordy Nelson, the king of inconsistency, had 2.90 points. Stevie Johnson had 3.90 and Jermichael Finley continued his awful season with 1.10. Michael Turner had 12.90 points in a 24-17 win in Washington. Not a bad performance from that barrel-legged DUI machine, but nonetheless, Wii Todd's squad falls to 2-3.

NEXT UP: Patriots vs. 49ers

NEXT UP:  Da Bears vs. Stairway to Seven

Chiefs 132.32, Boondock Saints 105.76

From the Toilet Bowl to 2-3, everyone welcome Matt's Chiefs back into contention. It's no surprise, either, that the resurgence of the Chiefs has been behind No. 1 overall pick Aaron Rodgers, who had 31.42 points to back up his bounce-back 38-burger from Week 4. Rodger's previous high before that was 28 way back in Week 1. Trent Richardson continued his Fantasy Rookie of the Year-like season with 18.8 (that makes a total of 79.2 for Richardson through five games, including a 4 point dud in Week 1). Martellus Bennett had 4 points in a game where he played through a hyperextended knee (tests coming this week to determine his out time, if any) and James Jones continued his pace as Rodger's favorite target this season in Green Bay's Greg Jennings-less offense with 17.60 points Sunday. 

Boondock's 105 points were the second lowest in the league (still roughly 23 POINTS BETTER THAN ME) in a rather low scoring Week 5, ignoring, of course, Don and his 203 points (I'd prefer to ignore that, though). Eli Manning (26.26) and Curtis Lofton (12.50) were the only dub-fig performers in the 13-man starting line-up. Not-officially-hurt-he-just-plays-like-he's-hurt Jeremy Maclin continues to fall on his face week after week, this time with 3.90 points. Andre Johnson had just one catch (and just SIX targets) against the Jets in the Texans' win on Monday Night Football, playing in, statistically speaking, the most run-heavy offense in the NFL. Willis McGahee was held to 8.20 in New England and Cedric Benson ended up in a walking boot after 4.10 points and a sprained left foot in Indianapolis (Benson, by the way, has been officially ruled out for Sunday night's game against Houston). Brian Hartline had 5.90 points, that's just 35.6 points less than his ball out performance last week. 

NEXT UP: Chiefs vs. Packers

NEXT UP:  Boondock Saints vs. Bear Down Brawlers

Nope.

POWER RANKINGS

Pl. | Team | Record | Points For | Points Against

1. Packers | 4-1 | 708.30 | 632.34

Drew Brees is a baaaaaaaaaaad man.

2. Sawyers Shinobi's | 4-1 | 677.06 | 565.46 

Who needs Cam Newton, anyway?

3. Patriots | 4-1 | 614.90 | 594.26

Tom Brady. Wes Welker. Steven Ridley. Period.

4. Bear Down Brawlers | 3-2 | 705.24 | 636.32

Brawlers dropped 203 points in Week 5. The same week Decatur scored 83.

5. Ben There Raped That | 3-2 | 666.32 | 585.50

Oh, Chris Johnson.

6. Decatur Staleys | 3-2 | 616.38 | 665.40

Decatur scored 83 points in Week 5. The same week the Brawlers dropped 203. #FAIL

7. Da Bears | 2-3 | 662.52 | 677.32

Chicago's D/ST has scored five (5!!!) touchdowns in five games.

8. Boondock Saints | 2-3 | 620.16 | 630.42

Andre Johnson's fantasy free fall continues.

9. Chiefs | 2-3 | 591.08 | 659.50

Aaron Rodgers looks like the discount double checker of old. He's not a dancer, he's a QB.

10. Stairway to Seven | 1-4 | 720.26 | 756.44

Eric put it best in the league message board: “No. 1 in total points ... 1-4 record.”

11. Gronk Smash! | 1-4 | 656.64 | 688.08

Someone always goes off against Scott. This week that someone was the Rams D/ST.

12. 49ers | 1-4 | 568.14 | 725.66

49ers break into the W column with a negative-burger in the lineup. Just to spite Scott.

And one for the road:

Found this on Facebook (Via http://imgur.com/a/9H0Hv). 

Enjoy. 

Week 4 Rewind — Y'all asked for it

Editor's Note: It seems everyone thinks I use this space every week to take a dump on their teams. That's not the case. To illustrate my point, this week I will proceed to take a dump on every team in the league — except mine, of course.

Decatur Staleys 114.60, Boondock Saints 103.16
All you need to know is Decatur basically didn't start a quarterback (Jake Locker) or a tight end (Dennis Pitta), and still beat Corey's pitiful Boondock Saints, Week 4's lowest scoring team. Locker, who I, being a Bears fan, decided to start over both Tony Romo and Jay Cutler, went down with an injury before scoring a point. Pitta, who led all NFL tight ends in targets entering Week 4, also goose egg'd in Baltimore's win on Thursday Night Football. Not to worry, though, all Decatur needed was a 33-point day from Roddy White and a 23-point day from Marshawn Lynch to best Boondock's pitiful 103-point performance.

The Saints got 77.96 of it's 103 points from Eli Manning (24.36), Cedric Benson (11.60), Willis McGahee (21.50), David Akers (10.00) and Curtis Lofton (10.50). The rest of the roster was www.fail.com. Some of the lowlights: Jeremy Maclin, 0.70; Jets D/ST, 3.00; Andre Johnson, 5.60; Andrew Hawkins, 3.90. Insult to injury was Santonio Holmes' foot injury, where after he inexplicably spiked the ball in midst of his injury (before being downed by contact), which San Francisco scooped and scored with after the recovery. Holmes has since been placed on the IR, not that anyone would pick up that 200-pound heap of tire fire.

NEXT UP: Decatur Staley's vs. Sawyer Shinobi's
NEXT UP: Boondock Saints vs. Chiefs

Ben There Raped That 159.46, Gronk Smash! 143.64

This one literally came down to the second half of Monday Night Football before a winner was decided — and it just so happens the Ambiguously Gay Duo of Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall was all that made the difference in this match-up of our league's own Ambiguously Gay Duo of Brock and Scott. (To be more exact, Brock refers to Scott as his “metrosexual life partner.' Whatever.) Marshall had 21.80 points on Monday Night Football, after Ben There and Smash went to half time of MNF separated by just a half-point. Other monster days: Matt Ryan, 32.76; Torrey Smith, 15.70; Chris Johnson (OMFG!!), 17.70; Arizona D/ST, (16.00).

Scott played the role of catcher to Brock's pitcher in this one thanks to DeMarco Murray's where-the-hell-were-you 8 points. Brent Celek struggled to a 6 point day and The Law Firm BJG-E had a mediocre 9 points in the flex. Rob Gronkowski looked like the Gronk of old with a 17.40 day, which included a Gronk Spike in the Buffalo end zone. All for not, though, for Scott, President of the Trash Talkers Club, as Gronk Smash!, a squad that started 5-0 last year, has struggled to a 1-3 start out of the gate this season. As Johnathan put it on the League Message Board, “I'm putting Scott Feldman on the IR because his
(expletive) is busted, lmao.”

NEXT UP: Ben There Raped That vs. Packers
NEXT UP: Gronk Smash! vs. 49ers

Bear Down Brawlers 153.06, Packers 127.64

Drew Brees dropped a 40-burger in Lambeau, but that turned out to be nothing but a side note of irony as Bear Down Brawlers dropped the Packers 153.06-127.64 to end the run of the last remaining undefeated team in the league. The Brawlers had big days of their own from the San Fran D/ST (32.00), Marques Colston (26.30) and Philip Rivers (18.36). Those performances offset still-hurt-but-played-anyway Matt Forte (5.90 points), Malcom Floyd (2.30) and back-to-earth Tony Gonzalez (5.10).

Other than the Drew Brees 40-burger, the Packers had a large-as-usual performance from AJ Green (19.70) — hard to imagine Green not being one of the top two wide outs off the draft board next year — and other dub-fig days from Frank Gore (13.50), Danny Amendola (12.10) and Stephen Gostowski (10.00). How big has been Amendola been this year? Huge. And Jerry Jones cut him on Hard Knocks. lol. Congrats to the Packers, now fall in line with the rest of the one-loss teams.

NEXT UP: Bear Down Brawlers vs. Stairway to Seven
NEXT UP: Packers vs. Ben There Raped That

Patriots 151.40, Stairway to Seven 128.52

Remember when everyone laughed as Amy kept (and kept and kept and kept) drafting Patriots on Draft Day? Not so funny now. Tom Brady dropped a 40-burger and Wes Welker had 12.90. Steven Ridley had a ginormo 25.60 and that write-in draft pick Alfred Morris had 18.90. That one continues to sting. Eric Decker had 13.90 and everyone one else on the roster was, well, rather forgetful. Might be time to find Ben Tate (1.40) a comfy spot on the bench. And if you're keeping score at home, Amy got 78.50 points from her three New Englanders. That's roughly 26.16 points per Pat.

“I'm officially open to all trades.” That was the message Eric posted on the League Board this week. And that's all you need to know about Stairway to Seven. I guess a 1-3 start will do that to you. Peyton Manning's neck fusions looked fine to me (but hey, I'm no doctor) in the Broncos win over Oakland, when Manning went for 33.42 points. The Texans D/ST had 27 points thanks to the generosity of Matt Hasselbeck. J.J. Watt continued his break-out season with 12.50 points against the Titans, including the KO shot on Jake Locker.

NEXT UP: Patriots vs. Da Bears
NEXT UP: Stairway to Seven vs. Bear Down Brawlers

Chiefs 157.36, 49ers 110.54

BREAKING NEWS: The Chiefs suck less than the 49ers. And to be exact, they suck 46.82 points less. Thanks to Aaron Rodgers and his discount-double-check 38.06 points and six other dub-fig performances, the Chiefs finally picked up a win in Toilet Bowl I. The Cincinnati D/ST had 20, somewhere-over-Dwayne Bowe had 18.80 and DeSean Jackson had 15.90 for the welcome-to-the-win-column Chiefs. James Jones had 17.60 for some Chiefs double-points and kill-that-(expletive) Patrick Willis had 10.50. Stay tuned for Toilet Bowl II later this season.

What kind of Toilet Bowl performance did the 49ers have? Matt Prater, you know, the kicker, was the fourth-highest point man on roster. Prater had 14.00, behind only turnover-time Mike Vick (20.54), Anquan Boldin's 15.10 and Adrian Peterson's 14.20. Larry Fitzgerald had a welcome-back 13.40 points.

NEXT UP: Chiefs vs. Boondock Saints
NEXT UP: 49ers vs. Gronk Smash!

Sawyers Shinobi's 159.80, Da Bears 140.36

Da Bears had three 20-point performers and still lost to Sawyer Shinobi's, a team that gets my vote for most annoying team name in the league. Shinobi's had 35 from Cam Newton, 20 from Jamaal Charles and a wake-up-time 19 points from Jason Witten. The Baltimore D/ST had a rather dry 13 points and Darren Sproles had his regular 12.40.

Matthew Stafford (22.16), Michael Turner (25.10) and the Bears D/ST (25.00) all dropped 20-burgers with cheese, but to no avail. Jordie Nelson had 16.30 and Demaryius Thomas had 10.30 points as Da Bears joined Gronk Smash! in the we-scored-way-too-many-points-to-lose club.

NEXT UP: Sawyers Shinobi's vs. Decatur Staleys
NEXT UP: Da Bears vs. Patriots

POWER RANKINGS
Pl. | Team | Record | Points For | Points Against
1. Packers | 3-1 | 590.90 | 528.14
The Danny Amendola Gravy Train couldn't cover the biscuits this week.
2. Ben There Raped That | 3-1 | 562.12 | 468.40
Matty Ice is cold-blooded. And Ben There continues Power Rankings climb behind him.
3. Decatur Staleys | 3-1 | 532.54 | 509.76
Trivia: Who's leading the NFL in rushing? Answer: Marshawn Lynch.
4. Sawyer Shinobi's | 3-1 | 521.82 | 481.62
Jason Witten's spleen is finally back in tact.
5. Patriots | 3-1 | 488.78 | 482.84
The Tom Brady-Wes Welker lovers' quarrel is officially over. (Rendering Julian Edleman COMPLETELY useless.)
6. Da Bears | 2-2 | 550.68 | 551.60
Michael Turner back from fantasy retirement.
7. Boondock Saints | 2-2 | 514.40 | 498.10
Golden Plunger of the Week goes to Boondock Saints, after a league-low and league-laughable 103 points.
8. Bear Down Brawlers | 2-2 | 501.28 | 462.72
Might want to send a thank you card to Santonio Holmes — or the entire Jets organization.
9. Stairway To Seven | 1-3 | 556.66 | 552.48
Peyton Manning can throw this ball clear over those mountains.
10. Gronk Smash! | 1-3 | 542.46 | 561.58
DeMarco Murray.
11. Chiefs | 1-3 | 458.76 | 553.74
What's that saying about a blind squirrel?
12. 49ers | 0-4 | 441.64 | 611.48
Yeah, Week 4 wasn't “every now and then” for this blind squirrel.