Decatur Staleys 114.60, Boondock Saints 103.16
All you need to know is Decatur basically didn't start a quarterback (Jake Locker) or a tight end (Dennis Pitta), and still beat Corey's pitiful Boondock Saints, Week 4's lowest scoring team. Locker, who I, being a Bears fan, decided to start over both Tony Romo and Jay Cutler, went down with an injury before scoring a point. Pitta, who led all NFL tight ends in targets entering Week 4, also goose egg'd in Baltimore's win on Thursday Night Football. Not to worry, though, all Decatur needed was a 33-point day from Roddy White and a 23-point day from Marshawn Lynch to best Boondock's pitiful 103-point performance.
The Saints got 77.96 of it's 103 points from Eli Manning (24.36), Cedric Benson (11.60), Willis McGahee (21.50), David Akers (10.00) and Curtis Lofton (10.50). The rest of the roster was www.fail.com. Some of the lowlights: Jeremy Maclin, 0.70; Jets D/ST, 3.00; Andre Johnson, 5.60; Andrew Hawkins, 3.90. Insult to injury was Santonio Holmes' foot injury, where after he inexplicably spiked the ball in midst of his injury (before being downed by contact), which San Francisco scooped and scored with after the recovery. Holmes has since been placed on the IR, not that anyone would pick up that 200-pound heap of tire fire.
NEXT UP: Decatur Staley's vs. Sawyer Shinobi's
NEXT UP: Boondock Saints vs. Chiefs
Ben There Raped That 159.46, Gronk Smash! 143.64
This one literally came down to the second half of Monday Night Football before a winner was decided — and it just so happens the Ambiguously Gay Duo of Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall was all that made the difference in this match-up of our league's own Ambiguously Gay Duo of Brock and Scott. (To be more exact, Brock refers to Scott as his “metrosexual life partner.' Whatever.) Marshall had 21.80 points on Monday Night Football, after Ben There and Smash went to half time of MNF separated by just a half-point. Other monster days: Matt Ryan, 32.76; Torrey Smith, 15.70; Chris Johnson (OMFG!!), 17.70; Arizona D/ST, (16.00).Scott played the role of catcher to Brock's pitcher in this one thanks to DeMarco Murray's where-the-hell-were-you 8 points. Brent Celek struggled to a 6 point day and The Law Firm BJG-E had a mediocre 9 points in the flex. Rob Gronkowski looked like the Gronk of old with a 17.40 day, which included a Gronk Spike in the Buffalo end zone. All for not, though, for Scott, President of the Trash Talkers Club, as Gronk Smash!, a squad that started 5-0 last year, has struggled to a 1-3 start out of the gate this season. As Johnathan put it on the League Message Board, “I'm putting Scott Feldman on the IR because his
(expletive) is busted, lmao.”
NEXT UP: Ben There Raped That vs. Packers
NEXT UP: Gronk Smash! vs. 49ers
Bear Down Brawlers 153.06, Packers 127.64
Drew Brees dropped a 40-burger in Lambeau, but that turned out to be nothing but a side note of irony as Bear Down Brawlers dropped the Packers 153.06-127.64 to end the run of the last remaining undefeated team in the league. The Brawlers had big days of their own from the San Fran D/ST (32.00), Marques Colston (26.30) and Philip Rivers (18.36). Those performances offset still-hurt-but-played-anyway Matt Forte (5.90 points), Malcom Floyd (2.30) and back-to-earth Tony Gonzalez (5.10).Other than the Drew Brees 40-burger, the Packers had a large-as-usual performance from AJ Green (19.70) — hard to imagine Green not being one of the top two wide outs off the draft board next year — and other dub-fig days from Frank Gore (13.50), Danny Amendola (12.10) and Stephen Gostowski (10.00). How big has been Amendola been this year? Huge. And Jerry Jones cut him on Hard Knocks. lol. Congrats to the Packers, now fall in line with the rest of the one-loss teams.
NEXT UP: Bear Down Brawlers vs. Stairway to Seven
NEXT UP: Packers vs. Ben There Raped That
Patriots 151.40, Stairway to Seven 128.52
Remember when everyone laughed as Amy kept (and kept and kept and kept) drafting Patriots on Draft Day? Not so funny now. Tom Brady dropped a 40-burger and Wes Welker had 12.90. Steven Ridley had a ginormo 25.60 and that write-in draft pick Alfred Morris had 18.90. That one continues to sting. Eric Decker had 13.90 and everyone one else on the roster was, well, rather forgetful. Might be time to find Ben Tate (1.40) a comfy spot on the bench. And if you're keeping score at home, Amy got 78.50 points from her three New Englanders. That's roughly 26.16 points per Pat.“I'm officially open to all trades.” That was the message Eric posted on the League Board this week. And that's all you need to know about Stairway to Seven. I guess a 1-3 start will do that to you. Peyton Manning's neck fusions looked fine to me (but hey, I'm no doctor) in the Broncos win over Oakland, when Manning went for 33.42 points. The Texans D/ST had 27 points thanks to the generosity of Matt Hasselbeck. J.J. Watt continued his break-out season with 12.50 points against the Titans, including the KO shot on Jake Locker.
NEXT UP: Patriots vs. Da Bears
NEXT UP: Stairway to Seven vs. Bear Down Brawlers
Chiefs 157.36, 49ers 110.54
BREAKING NEWS: The Chiefs suck less than the 49ers. And to be exact, they suck 46.82 points less. Thanks to Aaron Rodgers and his discount-double-check 38.06 points and six other dub-fig performances, the Chiefs finally picked up a win in Toilet Bowl I. The Cincinnati D/ST had 20, somewhere-over-Dwayne Bowe had 18.80 and DeSean Jackson had 15.90 for the welcome-to-the-win-column Chiefs. James Jones had 17.60 for some Chiefs double-points and kill-that-(expletive) Patrick Willis had 10.50. Stay tuned for Toilet Bowl II later this season.What kind of Toilet Bowl performance did the 49ers have? Matt Prater, you know, the kicker, was the fourth-highest point man on roster. Prater had 14.00, behind only turnover-time Mike Vick (20.54), Anquan Boldin's 15.10 and Adrian Peterson's 14.20. Larry Fitzgerald had a welcome-back 13.40 points.
NEXT UP: Chiefs vs. Boondock Saints
NEXT UP: 49ers vs. Gronk Smash!
Sawyers Shinobi's 159.80, Da Bears 140.36
Da Bears had three 20-point performers and still lost to Sawyer Shinobi's, a team that gets my vote for most annoying team name in the league. Shinobi's had 35 from Cam Newton, 20 from Jamaal Charles and a wake-up-time 19 points from Jason Witten. The Baltimore D/ST had a rather dry 13 points and Darren Sproles had his regular 12.40.Matthew Stafford (22.16), Michael Turner (25.10) and the Bears D/ST (25.00) all dropped 20-burgers with cheese, but to no avail. Jordie Nelson had 16.30 and Demaryius Thomas had 10.30 points as Da Bears joined Gronk Smash! in the we-scored-way-too-many-points-
NEXT UP: Sawyers Shinobi's vs. Decatur Staleys
NEXT UP: Da Bears vs. Patriots
POWER RANKINGS
Pl. | Team | Record | Points For | Points Against
1. Packers | 3-1 | 590.90 | 528.14
The Danny Amendola Gravy Train couldn't cover the biscuits this week.
2. Ben There Raped That | 3-1 | 562.12 | 468.40
Matty Ice is cold-blooded. And Ben There continues Power Rankings climb behind him.
3. Decatur Staleys | 3-1 | 532.54 | 509.76
Trivia: Who's leading the NFL in rushing? Answer: Marshawn Lynch.
4. Sawyer Shinobi's | 3-1 | 521.82 | 481.62
Jason Witten's spleen is finally back in tact.
5. Patriots | 3-1 | 488.78 | 482.84
The Tom Brady-Wes Welker lovers' quarrel is officially over. (Rendering Julian Edleman COMPLETELY useless.)
6. Da Bears | 2-2 | 550.68 | 551.60
Michael Turner back from fantasy retirement.
7. Boondock Saints | 2-2 | 514.40 | 498.10
Golden Plunger of the Week goes to Boondock Saints, after a league-low and league-laughable 103 points.
8. Bear Down Brawlers | 2-2 | 501.28 | 462.72
Might want to send a thank you card to Santonio Holmes — or the entire Jets organization.
9. Stairway To Seven | 1-3 | 556.66 | 552.48
Peyton Manning can throw this ball clear over those mountains.
10. Gronk Smash! | 1-3 | 542.46 | 561.58
DeMarco Murray.
11. Chiefs | 1-3 | 458.76 | 553.74
What's that saying about a blind squirrel?
12. 49ers | 0-4 | 441.64 | 611.48
Yeah, Week 4 wasn't “every now and then” for this blind squirrel.
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