No. 1 Packers 148.90, No. 3 Decatur Staleys 120.22
The Packers kept rolling through the schedule by rolling the Decatur Staleys, winning 148.90-120.22 to earn the label of the only undefeated team left in the the league. A.J. Green had a 79-yard touchdown catch and run on Cincinnati's first offensive snap and ended up going for a monster 30.40 points. Drew Brees had 26.50, Heath Miller had 18.00 (a league-high for tight ends in Week 3) and Stephen Gostowski had a 12.00-point performance. The top-ranked Packers have went over their projected points as a team three times in three weeks and average a league-high 154.42 points per week.
Decatur's Week 3 face plant begins and ends with Tony Romo, who had a 5.32-point outing against Tampa Bay. That's right. Count 'em on one hand — well, almost. Ugh. The Steelers D/ST had a grand total of 3.00 points, to continue its pace of underachieving its projected points in each of the first three weeks of the season. Roddy White had a equally pitiful 5.50 points, Marshawn Lynch had a let-down 9.90 points and the always disappointing Jermichael Finley had his regular 6.00 points. Welcome to Dropsville, Jermichael. Also, your first name is stupid and confusing.
NEXT UP: No. 1 Packers vs. No. 10 Bear Down Brawlers
NEXT UP: No. 3 Decatur Staleys vs. No. 2 Boondock Saints
No. 2 Boondock Saints 141.52, No. 7 Patriots 117.90
Boondock Saints didn't have any huge performances, but eight of 13 starters scoring double digits was good enough for a 141.52-117.90 win to give the Patriots their first loss of the season. Eli Manning (18.02), Andre Johnson (13.20), Andrew Hawkins (14.20), Cedric Benson (12.40), Jared Cook (13.70), Santonio Holmes (16.70), Jets D/ST (11.00) and Curtis Lofton (13.00) all scored in dub-figs for Boondock, who moved up to No. 2 in the Week 3 Power Rankings.
The Patriots had some big point days, but too many underachieving point totals cost Amy the matchup. Tom Brady (22.10) and Wes Welker (16.20) got back in a groove and Nate Washington (19.20) had a big outing for the Titans. Alfred Morris and his 14.80 points and Eric Decker's 15.60 points were other big totals for The Patriots. Eight of 13 starters, though, had 6.00 points or less. The five starters in double digits combined for 87.90 points. The eight others combined for a grand total of 30.00 points.
NEXT UP: No. 2 Boondock Saints vs. No 3 Decatur Staleys
NEXT UP: No. 7 Patriots vs. No. 8 Stairway to Seven
No. 4 Da Bears 152.62, No. 9 Gronk Smash! 123.08
A lot like the Patriots in Week 3, a few big performances lifted Da Bears to a 152.62-123.08 win over Gronk Smash! MJD had 30.30 points in Indianapolis (remember when Rashard Jennings was relevant?), Matthew Stafford had 20.32 points in the OT loss in Nashville and the Bears D/ST nearly dropped a 30-burger with cheese, scoring 29.00 points, which that included an interception returned for a touchdown. Chad Greenway had 17.50 points at the LB spot. Jordy Nelson had 1.90 points and Demaryius Thomas had 1.40 points in the two WR spots for Da Bears. Shonn Greene had 4.90 points in the flex and Antoine Bethea went for a single point.
Gronk Smash! couldn't keep the momentum from Week 2 despite Joe Flacco's best effort. Wacco for Flacco had a team-high 30.30 points and the Seahawks D/ST (a clutch midweek acquisition) went for 20.00 points against Green Bay (including a ridic eight first-half sacks) as Smash! got double-figure days from just three starting spots. Demarco Murray had an 11.50-point day in Dallas. Smash's namesake, Rob Gronkowski, went for just 2.10 points, Vincent Jackson (after going for 128 yards and a touchdown last week) had just 2.90 points and Brent Celek was under his projection with 3.60 points.
NEXT UP: No. 9 Gronk Smash!, No. 5 Ben There Raped That
NEXT UP: No. 4 Da Bears vs. No. 6 Sawyer Shinobi's
No. 5 Ben There Raped That 173.44, No. 11 49ers 113.58
Ben There Raped That put up huge numbers up and down the starting line-up, scoring a second-best in the league 173.44 points in a 59.86-point win over the 49ers. The Commish bounced back from last week's who-wears-the-pants-in-this-house loss to Amy with a quadruple 20-burger with extra cheese in Week 3. RGIII had what's becoming a usual performance for the rookie, scoring 27.34 points in a loss to the Bengals. Torrey Smith had an emotional and inspiring 26.70 points roughly 18 hours after his brother passed away in a motorcycle accident and Darren McFadden woke up from his off-season/preseason hibernation with 20.50 points. The Cardinals D/ST tied the Bears for a league-high 29.00 points. Other dub-figs included Donald Brown (10.10), Jason Hanson (16.00) and Daryl Washington (11.50).
The 49ers had some big-time performances and some big-time disappointments in Week 3, but it really wouldn't have mattered against Brock's 173-point day. Mikel LeShoure burst onto the scene for Detroit, running for 21.40 points in the Titans thriller. Larry Fitzgerald got back on track with 19.40 points and Adrian Peterson went for 10.70. The Dallas D/ST and Matt Prater each had 12.00-point days and Vernon Davis went for 11.30 in San Francisco's loss at Minnesota. Free agent pickup Calais Campbell had a single point and Patrick Peterson went for even less than that, with 0.60 points. Michael Vick continues to be all over the board. This week it was 7.48 points in another turnover-filled performance.
NEXT UP: No. 5 Ben There Raped That vs. No. 9 Gronk Smash!
NEXT UP: No. 11 49ers vs. No 12. Chiefs
No. 6 Sawyer Shinobi's 101.68, No. 10 Bear Down Brawlers 87.72
Jamaal Charles. Went. HAM. The dude had 43.80 points in Week 3, single-handedly accounting for 47 percent of Shinobi's points by rushing for 233 yards and a touchdown on 33 carries and catching six passes for another 55 yards. The other 12 starters for Shinobi's combined for 57.88 points. Cam Newton was the only other starter in dub-figs, with 10.28 points. Mark Ingram, Jason Witten, Greg Jennings, Ladarius Webb, Clay Matthews and the Ravens D/ST all scored four points or less in Week 3.
Bear Down, like Shinobi's, had just two players in the dub-figs. The problem? Neither of those cats dropped a 40-burger. Arian Foster had 18.80 points in just another outing for the proven RB1 and Tony Gonzalez continued his blazing start to the season with 16.10 points. Philip Rivers, Marques Colston, Mike Williams, Matt Bryant, the 49ers D/ST and Jon Beason all had 4.00 points or less for the Brawlers who had a league-low 87.72 points in the loss to Jamaal Charles, err, the Shinobi's.
NEXT UP: No. 6 Sawyer Shinobi's vs. No. 4 Da Bears
NEXT UP: No. 10 Beardown Brawlers vs. No. 1 Packers
No. 8 Stairway to Seven 175.16, No. 12 Chiefs 92.82
Stairway to Seven had to take a dump on the commissioner's 173 points in Week 3 with a 175.16 performance of his own in a Ben Roethlisberger-like sexual assault of those lowly last place Chiefs. Three 20-burgers for Stairway included Megatron (27.40), Mike Wallace (20.40) and waiver-wire acquisition Andre Brown's 27.00 point night against the Panthers. Stairway's three defensive starters all went dub-figs and combined for 36.50 points (Roman Harper 11.50, J.J. Watt 14.00 and James Laurinaitis 11.00). Beanie Wells continued his season-long crap fest with 1.80 points in Arizona's win over the Eagles.
The Chiefs got a goose egg from the Lions D/ST in Nashville, a 2.70-point day from straight-cash-homey Randy Moss and a 3.40-point blunder from 250-pounds-of-flaming-garbage Steven Jackson in the beat-down-received loss to Stairway. The highlights: Rob Bironas had a team-high 14.00, Trent Richardson showed some consistency with 11.10 and Martellus Bennett provided some value with 13.30 points. Discount-Double-Suck Aaron Rodgers continued to disappoint while running for his life in Seattle on MNF, finishing the Packers win loss with 10.62 points.
NEXT UP: No. 8 Stairway to Seven vs. No. 7 Patriots
NEXT UP: No. 12 Cheifs vs. No. 11 49ers
POWER RANKINGS
Pl. Team | Record | Points For | Points Against
1. Packers | 3-0 | 463.26 | 375.08
A.J. Green is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
2. Boondock Saints | 2-1 | 411.24 | 383.50
Eight players in dub-figs in Week 3? That's gross consistency. Welcome to No. 2 in the Power Rankings.
3. Decatur Staleys | 2-1 | 417.94 | 406.60
Tony Romo is gay.
4. Da Bears | 2-1 | 410.32 | 391.80
Remember that MJD contract holdout? Yeah, me neither.
5. Ben There Raped That | 2-1 | 405.66 | 326.06
RGIII is a fantasy dream. Skittles on the reg.
6. Sawyer Shinobi's | 2-1 | 362.06 | 341.26
JAMAAL CHARLES.
7. Patriots | 2-1 | 337.38 | 353.90
Welcome back Wes Welker. Fantasy owners around the country missed your 5-foot-9 awesomeness.
8. Stairway to Seven | 1-2 | 428.14 | 401.08
Andre Brown balled like a first-rounder with a free agent price tag.
9. Gronk Smash! | 1-2 | 398.82 | 402.12
Has the former sophomore-sensation Rob Gronkowski smashed into a third-season slump? (See what I did there?)
10. Bear Down Brawlers | 1-2 | 348.22 | 335.08
Tony Gonzalez is pulling down TDs like it's Madden 2002.
11. 49ers | 0-3 | 332.40 | 375.08
It's Toilet Bowl, Week 4 edition when the lowly 49ers face the even more lowly Chiefs.
12. Chiefs | 0-3 | 301.40 | 443.20
If you're still reading at this point, see Toilet Bowl reference above.
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