PLAYOFFS!!!!!

Well hello again my Sucktards.  With the playoffs eminent and half of you vying for the golden plunger I thought that we would change things up this week.  So if your looking for a game by game breakdown or to get your ego stroked look elsewhere.

The Losers

  First off let's start this blog with an apology...
My Bad...  Not that it would have made any difference, but I always hate it when I give out bad fantasy advice.  Then again, maybe you should have helped write the blog this year.  Bwahahaha!!!!

At least you're a top seed in the toilet Bowl!










Speaking of the Toilet Bowl, I guess the Brawlers will have to wait until next year to break my streak against them.  :-)
For those of you that don't know of this little fact and something that I didn't realize until a couple of years ago when the Brawlers brought it up to me, is that the Brawlers have never been victorious against me in fantasy football.  What, What, What!!
Yeah, I know I couldn't believe it either

This is the image I got when I googled "Shit-eating grin" and I thought it was a good  representation of events described above.  Just look at Ronald's face.


 The Brawlers are the top seed in the Toilet Bowl and are pissed that





he missed the playoffs by...


The other four teams going for "Golden Plunger Glory" are

Sawyer Shinobi's
(No big Surprise)
Patriots
(From Super Bowl to Toilet Bowl)
Unverile Invalids
(I'm Shocked!!!)
Over-Underachievers (Thanks for splitting up the draft order)



The Winners!!!

Congratulations to everyone that made the playoffs!!!  From the ones that had to fight and scrape to make it here, to the ones that had a far easier route and seemed to be playoff bound since week 6, and yes even the ones that barely squeaked in in the last week.  Feel proud of what you have accomplished,  if this is your first time in the playoffs "don't screw the Pooch!"  As for you veterans out there that have been here before keep your eye on the prize.  Who cares that none of you have ever won the Bradley Cup, it's not like you're going up against a veteran that already has his name on it...

Just remember

And just because, 

Good Luck Everyone,

The Commish

What the Hell just happened???

You know back when I first started writing this thing I was just doing it for myself.  Mainly because I didn't think that anyone else read it, but also because it helped introduce some normalcy into a chaotic time in my life.  So a few years later when I got a new job and didn't have as much time to do this, I didn't think that people would care if I wrote the blog or not.  So I slacked off...  Well the dynamic of the league changed this year  and people who had never been able to utter the word "playoffs" without adding the words "I'm not in the", started whining winning and out of nowhere there was inexplicable outcry for me to write the blog again.  


Just remember you asked for it...


DaBears (154.16) Vs. Baltimore Crabs(114.70)

DaBears are living it up, having a miracle season and by that I mean that its's a miracle that he's in 1st place.  DaBears have had the fewest points scored against them and are running about the middle of the pack in points scored, but yet week after week they manage to squeak by with a victory.  Some would say that he's having a clandestine season that will ultimately result in a Super Bowl victory.  I say Bullshit! DaBears while a formidable team, are for the most part a mirage, smoke and mirrors that will clear and break in the playoffs like so many #1 seeds before him.  A couple of facts for you, few teams have entered the fantasy playoffs at #1 and made it past their first game and only one team has ever had the "Perfect Season". One guess on who did that.  So the odds are strongly stacked against him, but with this cake schedule he continues to enjoy who knows...

Crabs, I told your that you're not allowed to win your rookie year.  Thank you, for finally starting to conform.


Next up:
DaBears Vs Over-underachievers
Baltimore Crabs Vs Show Me Your TD's


Packers(130.56) Vs Decatur Staleys(115.04)

In what was a true pivotal game for both teams the Packers emerged victorious and look to be heading for the playoffs.  While the Staleys will have to fight an uphill battle to make it in as a 6 seed.  The funny thing about it is that  A.J Green's late game, gift of a touchdown is what  put the Packers over the top last week.  Even with RGIII putting up a monster of game, the rest of the Staley's team just fell flat, with only 2 of them breaking double digits. Both teams fell short of their projected points though which doesn't bode well for them this close to the playoffs and I know the Packers are counting the days until Rodgers comes back.  Which trophy will Rodgers be helping him win though is the real question.


Next Up:
Packers Vs. Unverile Invalids
Decatur Staleys Vs. Chiefs



Bear Down Brawlers(154.02)Vs Over-underachievers(141.34)

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK....  The Brawlers who had been written off by most everyone, with a (2-6) record have now won two games straight and put himself into a possible playoff situation.  With the sporadic teams that we have had this year and the weak records that these teams hold, it makes it possible for just about anyone (except the Invalids) to make the playoffs.  Looking at the Brawlers roster it reads more like a Sodoku of NFL players that somehow thrown together seem to work, at least for now.  As for the underachievers they've just had a season that never got off the ground.  Full of constantly being edged out by narrow margins and roller coaster performances from his star players. Will losing to the brawlers be the first nail in the coffin or will he be able to turn it around before it's too late.



Next Up:
Bear Down Brawlers Vs Sawyer Shinobi's
Over-underachievers Vs DaBears






Patriots(111.00) Vs Chiefs(121.78)

My God! It is fun to make fun of Tom Brady!  The Patriots, last years champs have had a nearly laughable season this year and unbelievably still have a chance to make the playoffs. :s  This week she went without her precious Tom Brady and was let down by Ej Manuel and about 3/4 of the rest of her team.  Brady has been hit and miss this meaning that if she sits him then he blows up and if she plays him then he does jack shit. She starting him this week, so lets hope this trend continues since she's playing myself.  On the opposite end of the spectrum the Chiefs have quietly sat in that #2 spot majority of the year and dare not to bring any attention to himself or else he might jinks his chances this year.  Well cris cross Drew Brees is a hoss, the rest of the year you will know only loss.  Bawahahaaha.  The Chiefs should be careful though since up until the Patriots he was on a bit of a slide and his point total has declined over the past 4 weeks.  Now is not the time to get cold!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           


Next Up:
Chiefs Vs Decatur Staleys
Patriots Vs Angry Computer Nerd
                       

 Show Me Your TD's(131.98) Vs Unverile Invalids(92.56)                

If only we could play the Invalids every week, then we all could be undefeated.  The TD's had a pretty average game this week with Russell Wilson and Darren Sproles leading the way.  The rest of his team didn't do anything spectacular, but they didn't let him down either.  Which was good enough for a win and more than I can say for my team.  Invalids, we've discussed it and have decided that next year you don't have to even show up for the draft just drop off your money and we'll let my dog pick your team.  We believe it might create more competition in the league this way.                                                                                                                                                                                  

Next Up:
Show Me Your TD's Vs Baltimore Crabs
Unverile Invalids Vs Packers

This is the image you get if you google "beastmode"

Sawyer's Shinobi's(167.18) Vs Angry Computer Nerd(140.72)

I lost to the Shinobi's...  I'm going to go cut myself...

Good Luck Everybody,

The Commish

Everybody Loves to see a Fat Guy Score

Because then you get to see a Fat Guy Celebration

Welcome to the "Bizarro World" of fantasy football Kal-El

Exactly how the title states, this year has been anything but normal.  Currently we have three teams that have gone 5-0.  I'm not sure that this has happened in our previous fantasy seasons.  And with our three undefeated fantasy teams not having to play each other until week 7 it is possible to have them all go 6-0.  Possible, but the odds are against them for that to happen.   With all of these changes this fantasy season it sure is comforting to know that some traditions stay the same, isn't that right Don!  Enough of the small talk and lets get to the the games, my Legion of Buffoons.


If you would like to see where your Super Villain name came from here's the Link:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Superman_enemies

 Baltimore Crabs (166.86) Vs Unverile Invalids (155.64) 
             (Titano)                                      (Rainbow Raider) (Really, still cant spell your name?)

Believe it or not it was a close game here between our 1st  place and last place teams.  Only 11 points gave the crabs the win this week.  Which is great news for our league because if the last place can come that close to knocking off  the first place team, then things are staying competitive and should make for an interesting season.  Or this is a sign that Dick's team is starting to decline and he is going to take his rightful place as Overlord of the Toilet Bowl.  Careful Dick, this week it's a close game, next week you'll suffer your first loss, OOOOHS!  NOESSS!

Next up:  
Baltimore Crabs Vs. Decatur Staleys
Unverile Invalids Vs. Patriots

Packers (133.06)  Vs. Show Me Your TD's (152.20)
   (Solar Boy)                  (Mongul)

Holy shit!  Look who decided to win a game!  I'll give credit to the TD's, he said that he would go 0-4 and
then he would start winning games.  Too bad he didn't specify how many games, so back to mediocrity next week.  With a better than average game from Russell Wilson and Julius Thomas going H.A.M. on Dallas D the TD's were able to crawl out of the basement and into 10th place.  Which is better than he deserves considering his MAN card was revoked after being afraid that he was going to melt in the rain this past weekend.

Next up:
Packers Vs. Over-underachievers
Show Me Your TD's Vs. Sawyer Shinobi's

Patriots (161.38) Vs. Sawyer Shinobi's (167.72)
      (Blaze)                 (Pee Wee Ragan)

Well the Patriots finally have a good game (fantasy ones, not the real ones) and she gets edged out by the 0 and million Shinobi's.  Patriots had a few players that just did outstanding for her, but was truly let down by her "Superstars".  While the Shinobi's prove that even a blind squirrel can find a nut every once and in a while.  For crying out loud, the fantasy zombie known as Pierre Thomas led his group of fantasy misfits.  We can all count this as Johnny one seasonal win for the year and move on.









Next up:
Patriots Vs. Unverile Invalids
Sawyer Shinobi's Vs. Show Me You TD's

Angry Computer Nerd (169.54) Vs. Bear Down Brawlers (134.02)
              (Brainiac)                                         (Anok)

Well after my Titans suffered an unbearable defeat this weekend, the only thing there to console me was my fantasy team.  The hero of my team (and I can't believe that I am saying this) was Tony Romo.  While he let America's Team down (can we please quit calling them that) , he absolutely rocked it in fantasy.  Can he play the Broncos every week?  As for the Brawlers, we'll just say that history was not on his side and neither was Mat Schuab.  Putting up an awesome 0.92 points for the Brawlers and  if the Brawlers are looking for revenge this season then he needs to work on that win-loss record, because he wont get another chance until the playoffs.

Brawlers, how do you like the Texan's new uniforms?
  
Next Up:
Angry Computer Nerd Vs. DaBears
Bear Down Brawlers Vs. Chiefs

Blowout of the Week!!!!

DaBears (165.68) Vs. Decatur Staleys ( 98.40)
(Strongarm Bandit)       (Obsession)

Christ...  Where to start with this one.  STICKNIPPLES!!! You have angered the fantasy gods!  Maybe it's your refusal to accept sound advice from your friends, Sticknipples "I'm starting Bryan Hoyer."  Commish "Uhhh why don't you star Cutler?"  Sticknipples "That's just cray talk." Final score Hoyer 2.10 |  Cutler 29.02.  Maybe it's your unwillingness to share your hot ass wife.  Or maybe it's because YOU WON'T HELP WRITE THE FANTASY BLOG!  Meanwhile...  At the Legion of Doom.  DaBears post another solid game, showing that maybe this is his year to go out in the first round of the fantasy playoffs.  Moreno was the only player to go H.A.M. for DaBears, but the rest of his team put up solid numbers, while the Staleys just took a giant dump on the scoreboard.

One more thing Sticknipples, when you are "selling low" on a player that means that you would be doing good to get half of what you think that player is worth in a good year.  Otherwise your just "selling".

Next up:
DaBears Vs. Angry Computer Nerd
Decatur Staleys Vs. Baltimore Crabs

Nail biter of the week

Over-underachievers (145.10) Vs. Chiefs (147.16)

I had to look twice this past week when I saw someone dump their entire FAAB budget on two players.  First words out of my mouth were "knee jerk reaction".  But after losing 4 games straight by less than 10 points combined, I can understand where the desperation comes from.  Don't get me wrong it was still a horrible dumb ass decision that only halfway worked out, but hopefully for the rest of us "Fantasy will not favor the bold".  I guess all in all it's my Titans fault for the Underachievers failure to win this past weekend or P is just tanking his team so we don't have to draft beside each other next year.  Thanks P!  On the other side of the ball,  The chiefs and the NFL Chiefs can both go suck abnormally large Equus africanus asinus  testicles or for the layman,  Huge Donkey Balls.

Next Up:
Over-underachievers Vs. Packers
Chiefs Vs. Bear Down Brawlers

Hey Hull, separated at birth or what!!!! 

Good Luck,

The Commisioner

Well Fuck...

Since I'm now finding myself with a lot more time on my hands, with my fantasy team absolutely being destroyed by injuries and on the verge of going 0-2.  Who would have thought that I would win.  I believe I need to find a new hobby.  Maybe I'll take up fly fishing or better yet I'll just tear everyone else a new one since we can't get our professional writer to do anything.  Funny, I figured Grant would have had plenty of time to write this during the second half of the UT game.

While were talking about sack-less bags of shit lets get to the rest of you fuckers.  Starting with the biggest one.

Decatur Staleys (135.30) - Chiefs (156.06)

The Chiefs did me a favor last week, by handily beating our illustrious sports writer, can he still be called that if he doesn't write.  Seriously Grant if I wanted to be disappointed week after week then I would have drafted Stevan Ridley.  The Chiefs are on a roll here winning 2 in a row, thanks to Johnny and Grant.  Someone let Hull and the NFL Chiefs know that the're not supposed to win games.  Good ole Julio led the charge for the Chiefs racking up 34.70.  Enjoy it while it lasts, Roddy won't be a decoy all season.

Next Matchups:

Decatur Staleys Vs. Bear Down Brawlers
Chiefs Vs. Show Me Your TD's

Hey Grant, just in case I didn't make myself clear.

Now back tour regularly scheduled blog...

Blowout of the Week!!!
Bear Down Brawlers (203.32) - Sawyer Shinobi's (103.88)
Now this is the way fantasy football is supposed to be Johnny being on the receiving end of back to back ass kickings.  Nearly Don's entire roster had or came close to having double digits, all led by DeSean Jackson throwing up 34.80 points.  While Johnny had to start an active receiver that put up a big old Goose Egg, against Jacksonville!.  Hows that "taking 2 top ten Quarterbacks" draft strategy working out for you there Johnny?  I hated my draft when it was said and done, but I told myself at least I drafted better than Johnny.  Now watch, Drew Brees or Andrew Luck will start playing, both Quarterback and Wide receiver position.  Be reclassified as such and Johnny will look like a genius.  Fingers crossed Johnny!  Anyways, Johnny keep up the good work and someone tell Don that he wins games in his other league, not this one...

Next Matchup:
Bear Down Brawlers Vs Decatur Staleys
Sawyer Shinobi's Vs Baltimore

Johnathon Sawyer: Proving that anyone can write a blog, but not everyone can draft, since 2005.

Angry Computer Nerd (151.68) - Patriots (142.10)

This was a big, steamy, pile for me.  Yes, I squeaked by with a victory, but managed to lose about half my team to injury in the process.  By Sunday afternoon I was chalking up another loss and thinking about starting an exercise regiment for my fat ass, since I obviously suck at fantasy football.  Well thank god I don't have to do that and thank god for the Seahawks Defense shutting down Anquan Boldin.  Anyways, Jimmy Graham and Jordy Nelson saved my ass this week, while  Anquan Boldin and an inactive Nick Fairley let the Patriots down.  I must say after losing to the wife last year, its nice to be able to pee standing up in my house again.

Next Matchup:
Angry Computer Nerd Vs. Unverile Unvirile Invalids (That's how you're supposed to spell it)
Patriots Vs. 49ers

Baltimore Crabs (142.48) - Show Me Your TD's (130.38)

First let me say "Thank you Scott" for setting the free agency bar so high that you have to pay $40 to get the player you want.  While I'm cursing you now, it'll pay off later when people are broke and I can get who I want at a reasonable price.  So even with his high price acquisition of Julius Thomas and a respectable score of 13.70 it still wasn't enough to crack the Crabs.  Scott's group of under-performers do show promise and hopefully I'll play him before they decide to get their act together.  Dick's team was balling again, not as much as week 1, but enough to show his TD's.  Dick seriously 1st years can't win the trophy so quit trying.  What do you think this is, the Unitas League?

Next Matchup:
Baltimore Crabs Vs. Sawyer Shinobi's (Look who's going to go 3-0)
Show Me Your TD's Vs. Chiefs (Look who's going 0-3????)

Packers (132.90) - Unverile Unvirile Invalids (120.26)

Corey really man, I figured you would at least  google the word first, before making it your team name.  This was a difficult loss for the Invalids With several of his players getting injured and posting low scores he fell just short of victory.  Then to add insult to injury you had Brandon laying down the smack talk.  Seriously Brandon  there's no place for that kind of negativity in this league ... You lousy piece of shit.  The Packers had a solid performance from most of his team, but his savior was A-Rod going HAM for 47.90.  When's the Packers bye week?

Next Matchup:
Packers Vs. DaBears
Unverile Unvirile Invalids Vs. Angry Computer Nerd

Nail Biter of the Week!!!!!

DaBears (180.90) - 49ers (176.48)

I can hear Patrick now "Fucking Bullshit! Fuck You Seattle Defense and Fuck You Marshawn Lynch!"  Tough loss both personally and Fantasy wise for the 49ers here.  Ehhh,. It's what you get for stealing all my picks in the draft.  DaBears overachieved last week by outperforming player point projections for almost every slot.  Except for Frank Gore which was snuffed out by the Seahawks D.  I guess that's why Todd dropped his load ($35) on James Starks in free agency.  Will Starks turn out to be the "Money Shot" or just another sticky mess on the floor?  Only time can tell, but keep spending that money people!

Next Matchup:
DaBears Vs. Packers
49ers Vs. Patriots


Just some Randomness

Because I can 

Good Luck,

The commissioner

OH GOD... HERE WE GO AGAIN

Well, welcome back you sucktards and fantasy football manager wannabes.

I'll let you individually decide which one you are.  For those of you that were able to show up for the meeting, Congratulations!  You are able to circle a date on a calendar and are not the dumbest people in our league.  As for the rest of you, well... Lets hope the Fantasy Gods have mercy on your soul.  Because you sure as hell aren't going to get into the playoffs with your skills (or lack there of).













Anyways this post is mainly for those of you that had better things to do then to show up for our meeting, and to ensure that everyone is on the same page to keep the Bitching to a minimum this year.  Yes I'm looking at you Fetter. Overall our rules stayed the same but there were a few changes.  So lets start with the biggest change...

Rule #1
     We are now a .50 PPR League (1/2 Point Per Reception) For those that are legally retarded.  That means every time a player (ex. Running back, Wide receiver, Tight End) catches the football they receive half of a point towards their overall score for the day.

Rule #2
     New IR System (Injured Reserve)  You might have noticed this year that there are 21 slots for your teams roster.  ( Corey raises hand, and asks "but we only draft 20 players?!?")  Shut the fuck up, I was getting there.  After all of the joy that I had last year as your commissioner,of having to undo all the fuck ups that some of you all made. Because you are too fucking lazy to take the time and read a simple list.  "Oh look Maurice Jones Drew is on the waiver wire, Ill bid $30 and pick him up even though he's out for the next 3 weeks", Really... For Fuck's sake! Really!  Anyways back on topic this is where the extra slot comes in.  Even though it is labeled as a bench slot, this is your new IR slot.  So hopefully we can avoid all of this confusion in the future.
     How it works:
When you have an injured player that is going to miss an entire game you can place him in this extra slot.  Once the player has been placed in your IR slot he must remain there for at least 2 entire games.  After the 2 games if the player is on the NFL active roster then that player must be removed from the extra IR slot and placed on your normal roster or you will be punished.
     The Punishment:
This is where it gets good.  If you are caught abusing the IR spot, the player in your IR spot will be placed on waivers and be sold to the highest bidder.  Including yourself, if you choose to spend the Dough, Ray, Me.

Rule #3
Waiver Wire Money Rollover 
Pretty simple rule.  We all start this year with $100 to bid with throughout the year on the waiver wire.  If you don't spend all of your money by the end of the season then that money rolls over to the next year.  So if you had $27 leftover this year, you would start next year with $127.  And this would continue until you met your cap of $250.  So spend that Waiver Wire money wisely!

Keepers
Keepers are Due by Midnight, Friday, Aug. 30th.  You must either submit them to the yahoo site or get written conformation from the Commissioner Via Text, Email, or Handwritten Post-It note to ensure that you have locked in your keeper.  The keeper list will then be issued out the next day or that night depending on B.A.L.  at the time.  If you are choosing not to keep anyone please just send me a text confirming that your team sucks and you are horrible at fantasy football.

The Draft

The draft will be this Sunday, Sept. 1st at 5:00 P.M.  As always you will need to bring your own draft materials, because my printer will be miraculously broken and you will not be to print anything off at my house.  As always we will take breaks every 5-10 rounds, depending on how quickly we are moving and alcohol is not only suggested, but strongly recommended.  Cut to Johnathan slurring out "Give me Brett Favre in the 3rd!  He's due a big year!"





The Draft Order
The Draft order is as follows:

Sawyer Shinobi's:             1st pick 
Injury Report:                  2nd pick
Boondock Saints:             3rd pick
Chiefs:                             4th pick
Dabears:                          5th pick 
Decatur Staleys:              6th pick
Bear Down Brawlers:      7th pick
Stairway to 7:                   8th pick
49ers:                               9th pick
Ben There Raped That:   10th pick
Packers:                           11th pick
Patriots:                            12th pick

 Money

Scott has been designated the treasurer of our league and will be collecting all of our league dues.  I mean really who else is better for the job (Insert Stereotype Here)  So get your money to him by draft day!

Don't be a Douche Bag!

Good Luck to Everyone, because you all need it!

   The Commissioner 


Oh yeah someone tell Hull to quit sucking face long enough to sign up for his fantasy team!

Just some awesome randomness!