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| Did Amy draft this Patriot, too? |
We'll run through a slap fight and a brick-stuffed pillow fight later. But first we start with the true slugfests that were Week 6. The biggest KO of those slugfests was Amy's Patriots, who move to 5-1 with a 165.90-138.94 win over the 49ers. Tom Brady had 26.80 points, Wes Welker had 21.80 points and Steven Ridley had 3.40. You read that right, a Patriot didn't drop a 20 bomb this week. Fortunately, Antonio Gates answered the bell with 21.10 points on Monday Night Football. Bernard Pollard (10.50) and John Abraham (15) went HAM in the individual defender slots. For the record, Sunday marks exactly two months before the Mayan calender expires. The Atlanta Falcons have the best record in football, and Amy is tied atop the league standings with a 5-1 record. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
Michael Vick held onto the ball long enough to score 28.34 points, Larry Fitzgerald had 15.30 and Sidney Rice had 14.10 among a slew of dub fig days at the top of the 49ers roster. Adrian Peterson had 12.90 and Doug Martin had 14.10. Elvis Dumervil dropped 14 in the DL spot to round out a pretty solid fantasy week. The only problem? Facing Amy's on-fire Pats.
NEXT UP: Patriots vs. Bear Down Brawlers
NEXT UP: 49ers vs. Sawyer Shinobi's
Packers 156.34, Chiefs 143.52
The Packers move to 5-1 and the difference in a win and a loss in Week 6 comes down to a ginger quarterback. At this point, scroll back up to re-read the Mayan calender comments. Andy Dalton had a gingerbread-sandwich 27.74 points and AJ Green went off (again) for a 27-point day on the receiving end of the Bengals loss in Cleveland. (Cleveland won, that's not a typo. Mayans, man. Mayans.) Stephen Gostkowski had 11 points to continue making the points that every single New England Patriot on roster is a great fantasy option. Ray Lewis had a RIP 11 points, as the big man is done for the season after tearing his triceps.
I would be so pissed if one of my dudes dropped a double-50-burger with pickles, lettuce tomato and extra cheese on a sesame seed bun and I still lost. Oh, wait. That happened this week for the Chiefs. Aaron Rodgers had six — SIX! — touchdown passes in a beatdown of the Texans in Houston for a grand total of 53.22 points. The rest of the roster had 90.70 points. Again, Aaron Rodgers: 53.22 points; rest of roster: 90.70 points.
NEXT UP: Packers vs. Stairway to Seven
NEXT UP: Chiefs vs. Gronk Smash!
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| He's so fat. |
Da Bears 161.24, Stairway to Seven 155.66
Go back to your childhood. Remember when Lucy pulls the ball away from Charlie Brown just when he's about to kick it. That happens to Stairway to Seven every single week. EVERY SINGLE WEEK. This week, stairway dropped dub figs in six roster spots, including Peyton Manning's 30-burger, Ahmad Bradshaw's 20-burger and a fourth-quarter only 15.50 from Megatron. Jermaine Gresham led all tight ends in Week 6 with 12.80 and Mike Wallace had a big-time 15.40 on Thursday Night Football. J.J. Watt kept being J.J. Watt, scoring 11.50 in the DL spot. What's it all add up to? A 6-point loss to Da Bears after dropping 155 points. EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK.
Fat Stafford had 25.14 points, basically, all in the fourth quarter and Jordy Nelson dropped a white boy 32-burger with HAM to help Da Bears to the win. Welcome back to Shon Greene, who used his flux capacitor and a 1983 Delorean to go back in time for a 39-burger with extra way-back sauce. It won't last, though. It can't right. Mayans, man. Mayans.
NEXT UP: Da Bears vs. Decatur Staleys
NEXT UP: Stairway to Seven vs. Patriots
Bear Down Brawlers 101.68, Boondock Saints 101.12
Take a look at that final score one more time. How bad does that suck for Boondock? Bad. Arian Foster had 16 points in the Texans' Sunday Night Football loss against the Packers, Matt Bryant had 12 points in the kicker slot and that was it for dub fig performances as Don's Brawlers squeaked by this week with a half-point win. Philip Rivers tried his best to cost the Brawlers the matchup with his God awful Monday Night Football performance, but his 9.64 points were 9.08 points enough to get the win.
Eli Manning had 13.52 points for Boondock and the Jets D/ST dropped 20 against the Suck for Luck Colts in this all-kinds-of-pissed-off loss. Jeremy Maclin finally showed up, putting down a 21-burger in a losing effort against Detroit. Justin Tuck doughnut'd in the DL spot and Brian Hartline put up another doughnut in the W/T flex. None of that matters, though. The fact is Boondock lost by .56. And that just sucks.
NEXT UP: Bear Down Brawlers vs. Patriots
NEXT UP: Boondock Saints vs. Ben There Raped That
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| Maybe this will cheer Scott up. |
For whatever reason, this one seemed like the slap fight of the week. For Decatur, it was RGIII that delivered the fatal slap, though, running for a 76-yard touchdown to cap the late schedule of games that gave the Staleys a win over the man who invited me to this league to begin with. RGIII's 39-burger was the only noteworthy performance in this matchup. Ray Rice had a more normal 22-point day for him in a season that's been much more disappointing than what he's made look normal in the past. Kenny Britt may not be a sack of flaming dog terds after all, as he scored his first touchdown Thursday night to help the Titans come from behind to beat the Steelers. KB finished with 12.20 points. The Bucs D/ST had 17 points against those awful, awful Chiefs powered by that awful, awful Brady Quinn.
Smash! opted for Ben Roethlisberger over Joe Flacco, proving Scott isn't so Wacco for Flacco. At least not right now. The Big Berger had 21.92 points against the Titans, leading Smash! in points in Week 6. Percy Harvin (how consistent has he been this year?) had another dub-fig day with 15 points and Vincent Jackson went off again with 18 points against those same awful, awful Chiefs. Shady McCoy had 18.60 points but the big blow going forward — at least to Week 7 — for Smash! is Jerry Jones saying this week that DeMarrco Murray won't play Sunday because of a bad ankle.
NEXT UP: Decatur Staleys vs. Da Bears
NEXT UP: Gronk Smash! vs. Chiefs
Ben There Raped That 152.46, Sawyer Shinobi's 77.50
If Staleys-Smash! was a slap fight, this one was a pillow fight. And the commish brought a pillow stuffed with bricks to the party. Eight of Ben There's 13 roster spots dropped dub figs, led by Dez Bryants' 2012 awakening, scoring 21.50 points despite dropping the two-point conversion that would've helped Dallas to a win Sunday in Baltimore. Matt Ryan had a un-Matty Ice day with 12 points and Chris Johnson had an unlike-CJ day with 12.40 points. Roddy White had 13, Run DMC had 14 and Jason Hanson had 14 in the commish's consistently consistent beat down. In the individual defender slots, Chandler Jones (DL) had 13.50 and Daryl Washington (LB) had 14 points just for a kick to the nuts.
Exactly one week after pummeling Decatur into fantasy submission, the Shinobi's had exactly one dub fig day. That was Victor Cruz, who had a run-of-the-mill 11.80 points. Andrew Luck put together his own “Suck for Luck” campaign with 5.10 points. Others that sucked: Reggie Wayne (6.70); Jamaal Charles (4.70); Toby Gerhart (1.10). Insult to injury: LaDarius Webb, who was in the Shinobi's CB spot, is done for the year after tearing his ACL Sunday against Dallas. Webb's teammate and Shinobi's fantasy teammate Haloti Ngata (in Shinobi's DL spot) is also questionable with an injury heading into Week 7.
NEXT UP: Ben There Raped That vs. Boondock Saints
NEXT UP: Sawyer Shinobi's vs. 49ers
POWER RANKINGS
Pl. | Team | Record | Points For | Points Against
1. Packers | 5-1 | 864.64 | 775.86
2. Patriots | 5-1 | 782.50 | 733.40
3. Ben There Raped That | 4-2 | 818.78 | 663.30
4. Bear Down Brawlers | 4-2 | 806.92 | 725.12
5. Sawyer Shinobi's | 4-2 | 754.56 | 719.92
6. Decatur Staleys | 4-2 | 752.86 | 787.82
7. Da Bears | 3-3 | 823.96 | 834.68
8. Chiefs | 2-4 | 734.28 | 815.64
9. Boondock Saints | 2-4 | 721.28 | 731.78
10. Stairway to Seven | 1-5 | 873.60 | 917.68
11. Gronk Smash! | 1-5 | 779.06 | 822.56
12. 49ers | 1-5 | 707.08 | 891.56
I'll end it the way I should ever week from now on. With this guy.
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| Amy's 5-1? ... ALIENS. |
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