Brock's House Fantasy Football League Blog

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Your Blog Daddy is BACK

For Starters:

– First of all, exceptional work last week from The Commish in his blog contribution. I not only co-sign, but also endorse all the derogatory comments he made about my team. Why my roster full of podunk losers and waiver wire'd rejects has become the villain this year is beyond me. But hate on, people! First, though, you'll have to get in line behind the people that tell me how much I suck everyday in my work email. Haters gonna hate.

– Let's just clear the air here, I'm not ducking out of blog posts because my team blows. I'm the first to admit it. Decatur has big time depth concerns and locker room issues to boot. But, to be honest, the more Tennessee sucks (the Vols, not the Titans), and the closer Derek Dooley gets to being fired, the less attention I can give the blog. I'm averaging around 15,000 words a week between my real job and these fantasy posts and all things in between, so bear with me if updates become scarce as November wears on. But I'm going to keep it as consistent and weekly as possible.

– In more relevant news, I changed up the format this week to just an extended edition of power rankings with a look at each team's roster. If you like it, let me know. If you hate, keep to yourself. If you think I took a dump on your team, get over it. For all other concerns, annoy Brock with your petty whines.

– And, referring to the earlier note, I write way too much every single day. So if below is full of typos and factual errors, that's my bad. I don't have the energy to edit it. So overlook those the obvious.

– One last note: I'm thinking about adding a Trading Block segment to each blog. So if you have someone you want to put on the block, or you're in the market for a certain position or player, let me know. That's if y'all think it would get more attention on the blog than on the league message board.

Week 9 Extended Power Rankings brought to you by ExtenZe

Pl. Team | Record | Points For | Points Against

1. Packers | (6-2) | 1161 | 1011

The Packers go as Drew Brees goes. And Brees usually drops 40. Whether it was Brees stopping himself or the Broncos somehow slowing him down last week, the Packers finally hit a speed bump against what seems to be a surging Gronk Smash! team. Brees, second only to Aaron Rodgers in fantasy points this season, isn't the only weapon on the league's best team. Heath Miller has 336 receiving yards to go with six touchdowns, the most of any tight end in the NFL and by far the most productive in the fantasy standings. Denarius Moore already has 4 TD grabs in limited time this season and Alcoa's own Randall Cobb seems to be having a break out season in Green Bay with three of his four touchdowns this season coming in the last two weeks. A.J. Green has just been ridiculous, catching seven touchdowns on 636 yards receiving (making himself into the possible first wide out off the board in next year's draft) and Frank Gore (656 yards rushing, four touchdowns) has been good for some big-point weeks. Both Gore and St. Louis' Daryl Richardon, who was slotted as RB2 for the Packers last week, are off this week. Green is back off the bye, but down two running backs could be hard to overcome in Week 9 against Sean's 49ers, a team that's won two in a row to move to 3-5.

2. Ben There | (6-2) | 1086 | 844

The commish hasn't lost in three weeks, since a Week 5 loss to the top-ranked Packers, and has taken over a steady spot at No. 2 in the polls. Matt Ryan has been the bargain of the draft, throwing for 17 touchdowns in the Falcons high-powered offense and scoring 188 fantasy points so far this season. Not bad for a fifth round pick. Jimmy Graham is still ballin' (he had 10 targets Sunday night against the Broncos despite being questionable before the game) and Roddy White and Brandon Marshall all have four receiving touchdowns this season. Marshall has proven his worth (a third round pick) by being the one of the most targeted wideouts in the league. Brandon Lloyd, who Brock took with the next pick after Marshall, has three scores on 435 yards receiving. All that is without mentioning Torrey Smith, who early on seemed to catch nothing but big-yardage throws, with another four touchdowns and over 400 yards receiving. The depth at receiver is hampered, at least a bit, by lack of production at RB. Chris Johnson (595 yards, 2 touchdowns) has come on as of late, but has had some major no show performances. Darren McFadden (438 yards, two scores) has been less than desirable. But none of that has slowed the commish down so far. Ben There matches up with Stairway to Seven in Week 9 trying for a fourth-straight W.

3. Patriots | (6-2) | 1035 | 969

Look no further than Amy's team name. Tom Brady has 2,408 passing yards and has thrown for 16 touchdowns, Wes Welker has 91 fantasy points on 736 receiving yards and JUST two touchdowns and Steven Ridley has scored five times and ran for 717 yards to total 117 fantasy points this season. They all play for Bill Belichick's Patriots and they all play for Amy's Patriots. Eric Decker has five touchdown catches as one of Peyton Manning's most dangerous targets in Denver and Alfred Morris is in the running for the best draft pick of the year after scoring 112 points (717 rush yards, five touchdowns) through Week 8. Everyone laughed at Amy on draft day. Now Amy laughs at everyone else. Josh Gordon has been a solid waiver wire pick up, with 379 receiving yards and a pair of touchdowns this year. But Amy wiped out her free agent budget ($43 bones, to be exact) on Rashard Jennings after MJD went down. The draw back to all those Pat points is New England eventually having a bye week. Well that week is this week. And, lucky for Amy, she faces those lowly Decatur Staleys. Say hello to 7-2 for me, Amy.

4. Da Bears | (5-3) | 1085 | 1067

From under .500 to a solid spot in the playoffs, Todd's club is playing it's best (fantasy) football of the season entering Week 9. Fat Stafford has woken up, to an extent, including a 39-point taste the rainbow explosion last week. MJD going down with an injury for what could be the rest of the season hurts, but Michael Turner and Shon Greene have been serviceable in the RB slots. Offensively, Jordy Nelson stands out the most on Da Bears' roster, having already caught five touchdown passes and hauled in 532 receiving yards as Aaron Rodgers' favorite target in Green Bay. Icing on the cake for Todd is having his favorite team's defense, and that defense being the best fantasy D/ST in the league. Chicago has 148 fantasy points this season, which includes a franchise record six interceptions returned for touchdowns — and, to note, there's still nine games left on the schedule — and the league lead in takeaways (23) and an even 23 sacks. Aside from the Bears D, Todd doesn't have single roster spot that starts in over 89 percent of Yahoo fantasy leagues. Yet after a three-game win streak Da Bears find themselves 5-3 and a No. 4 ranking.

5. Bear Down | (5-3) | 1041 | 970

Arian Foster is a beast. Foster already has 659 rushing yards and nine touchdowns for the Texans, the league's most run-heavy offense in terms of plays called. He's also caught a touchdown pass this year and added 77 receiving yards, helping his 142 point total so far. And to think, I drafted Ray Rice ahead of that guy. Philip Rivers has been very, well, Philip Rivers this season, throwing for 1,646 yards and 10 touchdowns to nine interceptions. His 105.74 points is only .70 points better than Jay Cutler, the other QB on the Don's roster. Malcom Floyd at WR1 is good for double points from Rivers. Matt Forte has been solid, running for 436 yards and catching 134 yards worth of passes, but the Bears every-down back still only has two rushing touchdowns this year. Ryan Mathews has come on as of late, totaling 354 yards and a rushing touchdown for the chargers. Tony Gonzalez and the fountain of youth have been good for four touchdowns in Atlanta's high-powered offense and Marques Colston continues to be a big-time threat in New Orleans with 580 receiving yards and five touchdowns. A big-time all Chicago match up this week puts Don's fifth-ranked, 5-3 Brawlers against Todd's fourth-ranked, 5-3 version of Da Bears. A win puts one of these teams at 6-3 and in a much more stable playoff spot entering the stretch run of the regular season.

6. Decatur Staleys | (4-4) | 962 | 1026

Boy does this team blow. Sure, there's big names — RGIII, Ray Rice, Marshawn Lynch, etc. But the talent falls off the table at the wide receiver slots. Miles Austin gets a lot of targets, but so do defensive backs when Tony Romo is slinging it. Lance Moore's problem is playing in a New Orleans offense with too many weapons for any one of said weapons to be consistently productive. If you have receivers that play for Atlanta, Green Bay or New Orleans, you know what I mean. Behind those two is a waiver wire-filled roster of failed dreams and wasted cash. The lowlights: Kenny Britt (face palm), Leonard Hankerson (who?), Jeremey Kerley (blows), Michael Bush (never plays), Dennis Pitta (never gets targeted) and Andy Dalton (ginger). Even the big name talents (RGIII, Rice and Lynch) are inconsistent at best. RGIII is basically putting all your eggs in the basket of a rookie QB. Rice gets ignored way too much. Lynch is just old. Really, I have two things going for me at this point: I picked up San Diego's defense this week (26 points) and I play Amy's 6-2 Pats during the Patriots bye week — no Tom Terrific, no Ridley, no White Boy Wasted Welker. But that doesn't mean my roster of blowhards will get a win this week. And if they don't, I'll see y'all in the consolation bracket.

7. Sawyer Shinobi's | (4-4) | 950 | 970

Johnathan and his Sawyer Shinobi's have Cam Newton to blame. That dude blows this year. Cammy Cam has 129.64 points this season. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't he Johnathan's keeper this year? Not that keeping him was a bad move by any means. He's just screwing the Shinobers. In more positive news, Reggie Wayne (98 points so far) has had a fountain-of-youth year with Andrew Luck at QB. Victor Cruz is just a salsa dancing beast (117 points) and Jason Witten is coming along late in the flex after he had his spleen demolished in the preseason. Injuries have been rough on the Shinobi's, too. Rashard Mendenhall is out and Greg Jennings has yet to play. Jamaal Charles had some big-time point days early, but has since disappeared. But despite Cammy Cam, the injuries and a missing-in-action Jamaal Charles, Johnathan's squad is 4-4 and not out of the playoff picture by any means, especially with a Week 9 matchup with those 2-9 Chiefs.

8. Gronk Smash! | (3-5) | 1052 | 1080

Hold the phone, Scott Michael Feldman isn't dead yet. Back from the grave after a 1-5 start, Scott's Gronk Smash! squad has won two in a row to get back in the playoff conversation. Two weeks ago it was the Smash! beating those lowly Chiefs by five points. Congrats on that pillow fight, right? Well last week was no girl scout slap fight. Last week was KO'ing the biggest dude in the joint when the Smash! gave Brandon's Packers just their second loss of the season. And the key for the turnaround? No other than the team's name sake. Rob Gronkowski has 47 points over the last two weeks (19 in Week 7, 28 in Week 8) to help Scott back into a postseason possibility. Big Ben is workable at QB (after Wacco for Flacco has fallen off the face of the planet), Vincent Jackson has had some huge games and Percy Harvin has been crazy consistent (six double-digit performances in eight weeks). The two-straight wins have been without The Law Firm BJ-GE (an oomf 57 points this season) and DeMarrco Murray who was quiet even before the recent injuries have held him out. Also, add Shady McCoy to the crazy consistent list. No huge numbers for him, but six double-figure days in seven games is nasty. Up next for the red-hot Gronkers: Corey's 2-6 Boondock Saints.

9. 49ers | (3-5) | 952 | 1063

The Niners are another squad coming back to life after a 1-6 start was erased by two-straight wins the last two weeks. Mike Vick has been a turnover machine for both the Eagles and Sean's Niners. And what's worse, Vick could be benched by the Eagles, and subsequently by Sean's squad. If that happens, Josh Freeman is waiting on the bench. Larry Fitzgerald (73 points this season) has been a non-factor because Arizona has zero quarterbacks. Doug Martin hasn't quite been the draft day legend that he was back in September. Adrian Peterson has been a big positive, though, racking up 123 points entering Week 9. Mike Williams has been off and on, but has still managed to put up 71 points (just two less than Larry Fitz). Both 3-5 teams (Sean's 49ers and Scott's Gronk Smash!) have been outscored by their opponents as a whole, but both aren't out of the playoff race yet. Up this week for the 49ers: Brandon's No. 1 Packers.

10. Stairway to Seven | (2-6) | 1078 | 1170

Fetter has been screwed all year. Is anyone here going to argue that? Probably not. My dudes felt so bad for Fetter last week they let his Stairway squad beat them down last week. Here's Stairway's screwed by the week tally: Week 1, 148 points, lost; Week 4, 128 points, lost; Week 161 points (161!!!!!), lost; Week 6, 155 points (155!!!!), lost. All that aside, is there a better fantasy QB right now than Peyton Manning? He's got 189 points and counting so far. Mike Wallace has been big some weeks and gone other weeks, Megatron has been Megacrappy and Reggie Bush has quieted after a big-time first couple weeks. Julio Jones has been huge some weeks, but quieted by Roddy White on the other side of the Falcons' offense in others. Ahmad Bradshaw is just a bowling ball. Houston's D/ST is nasty and J.J. Watt is even nastier. Fetter needs some breaks (after getting zero breaks in the first half of the season) to get back in the playoff discussion, but his roster makes that still a possibility. This week: The Commish.

11. Chiefs | (2-6) | 972 | 1082

Aaron Rodgers. That's about it. The rest: DeSean Jackson (gross), Dewayne Bowe (who?), Ronnie Brown (he's still in the league?), Trent Richardson (alright, wish this dude was on my team), Martellus Bennett (not the worst tight end option in the league) and Antonio Brown (where you been?). Aaron Hernandez getting the high ankle sprain hurt, but him splitting time with Gronk hurts worse. Up next: The Sninobers.

12. Boondock | (2-6) | 879 | 1000

Boondock is responsible for one of Amy's two losses. And Boondock lost to Don's Brawlers by 0.52 points in Week 6. So, regardless of the league-low 879 points, Corey's squad is that close to being 3-5 and not completely out of contention. Eli Manning is just so much Eli Manning. It's impossible to figure that dude out. Reality football or fantasy football. Just impossible. Plus he looks like a doofus. Andre Johnson (59 points) plays in the NFL's most run-heavy offense with a game-manager QB. Jeremy Maclin blows, unless I'm missing something. Willis McGahee, on the other hand, has had a rebirth (99 points so far). Who saw that one coming? Not me. But I suck at fantasy football. Up this week: Gronk Smash!

Playoff Preview

Here's what the playoffs would look like if the postseason started with Week 9:

Round 1

(4) Da Bears vs. (5) Bear Down

(3) Patriots vs. (6) Decatur

Byes

(1) Packers

(2) Ben There

Friday, October 26, 2012

Week 7 Rewind------ I'M BACK B1TCH3S!!!!!

It was an exciting week people. I started a new job, won this week in fantasy, and most importantly didn't have to wear blue polyester at work for the first time in seven years. I'm sure most of you have quit reading by now since you have realized that your beloved Grant isn't writing this weeks recap. Unfortunately he was too busy cutting himself with razor blades after his loss to get to it this week.
So without further ado lets get to it! and I promise no burgers or HAM this week...

Gronk Smash! 131.78, Chiefs 126.78
So Scott Finally pulls off another win, word has it after news of his victory he was immediately rushed to the hospital. A few pints of blood and several drugs later Scott commented a single word "Victory!" All kidding aside glad to see my hetero-sexual life mate is alive and kicking. Scott's team was lead to victory by Vincent Jackson and of course the Gronk. The Chiefs team's biggest disappointment was Trent Richardson putting up a CJ like 1.90 points. A more normal week out of Trent and this game could have gone the other way. Ehhhh, with both teams at 2-5 we could have seen a preview of the Toilet Bowl so lets move on.

Next Up: GronkSmash Vs. Packers
Next Up: Chiefs Vs. DaBears

Bear Down Brawlers Vs. Patriots

Well so much for the Ellis Mafia. Amy losing this week obviously debunks any possibilities of some sort of conspiracy. I mean obviously if there was a conspiracy I wouldn't have willingly lost to my wife, just to turn around and let Don beat her later on. Unless that's exactly what we want you to think... Bawahahah! Thanks though Don it is nice to be wearing the pants again in the family. Don's team was lead by the high scoring Arian Foster with 23.90 points, not quite CJ against Buffalo points but very respectable none the less. Fortunately the Texans take bye this week and Don will be without his star running back when he plays myself. Another link in the Ellis Mafia chain?????

Next Up: Bear Down Brawlers Vs. Ben there Raped that
Next Up: Patriots Vs. Sawyer Shinobi's

Packers 170.08, Stairway to 7 94.50

Well what do you say with this one. The Packers keep on finding a way to win while Stairway to 7 has found themselves in a 6 game slump. So this one was a massacre people with nearly 40 points from Drew Brees and several other players hitting double digits on the Packers team it made for an easy victory. The only dimly lit spot for Stairway to 7 was Houston's D putting up 25 points. (Hey Fetter lets talk trade) Fetter is done for the fantasy season and has now turned his concentration towards avoiding the "Golden Plunger." I really feel for Fetter being near the top in points and in last place and then I can just picture Brad hearing that news, grinning devilishly, and laughing at his misfortune, and it makes me feel better. Look on the bright side Fetter there's nowhere else to go but up!

Next Up: Packers Vs Gronk Smash
Next Up: Stairway to 7 Vs Decatur Staleys

49ers 101.42, Sawyer Shinobi's 90.12
Oh look Patrick decided to start playing. Oh wait it was against Johnathon, that doesn't count! I'm just kidding it's good to see Patrick win a game, so hopefully my playoff predictions will pan out. Neither team was very high scoring this week, but in fantasy you'll have those weeks. The Shinobi's better be careful though or their comeback year for the super bowl will slip through their fingers. A couple things stood out for me in this match up 1. Johnathon Dwyer scored more points than most of my running backs and 2. Vernon Davis only had 1 point and that was for a tackle. We'll Just have to see if these two teams can turn their playoff hopes around next week.

Next Up: 49ers Vs Boondock Saints
Next Up: Sawyer Shinobi's Vs Patriots

DaBears 127.52, Decatur Staleys 122.62

I just want to start this one off by saying Ha! Hahahahahahahaahahah! and neener neener neeeeeener. It must suck to be you Grant. Only thing worse than losing by 5 points is losing by a 1/2 point. (Oooohhh too soon Corey?) It was a close game only made closer by the fall of MoJo but even after losing a strong starter DaBears were consistent enough to pull off a narrow. I got to say I really enjoy how Grant has become the villan this year. It almost seems that everyone would rather beat him more than myself. I said almost...
I almost forgot I wake every morning wondering how I can screw with Todd in Fantasy Football. I see the players he might bid on and decide that I will just bid a little bit more. SMH...

Next Up: DaBears Vs Chiefs
Next Up: Decatur Staleys Vs Stairway to 7

Ben there Raped that 126.50, Boondock Saints 75.68

If you're still reading down here I have two syllables for you "C. J." I hope he's back, but I doubt it. Because if he is ooohhhss! Nooooo! Anyways I would say it was a good game but Cory got stomped. I was almost feeling bad for him by Sunday night. But not that bad. I don't know if he was suffering from the bye week blues or what but his entire team just didn't show up last week. Bad for him, great for me.

Next Up: Ben there Raped that Vs Bear Down Brawlers
Next Up: Boondock Saints Vs 49ers

Friday, October 19, 2012

Week 6 Rewind — The Mayans are coming

Did Amy draft this Patriot, too?

Patriots 165.90, 49ers 138.94

We'll run through a slap fight and a brick-stuffed pillow fight later. But first we start with the true slugfests that were Week 6. The biggest KO of those slugfests was Amy's Patriots, who move to 5-1 with a 165.90-138.94 win over the 49ers. Tom Brady had 26.80 points, Wes Welker had 21.80 points and Steven Ridley had 3.40. You read that right, a Patriot didn't drop a 20 bomb this week. Fortunately, Antonio Gates answered the bell with 21.10 points on Monday Night Football. Bernard Pollard (10.50) and John Abraham (15) went HAM in the individual defender slots. For the record, Sunday marks exactly two months before the Mayan calender expires. The Atlanta Falcons have the best record in football, and Amy is tied atop the league standings with a 5-1 record. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Michael Vick held onto the ball long enough to score 28.34 points, Larry Fitzgerald had 15.30 and Sidney Rice had 14.10 among a slew of dub fig days at the top of the 49ers roster. Adrian Peterson had 12.90 and Doug Martin had 14.10. Elvis Dumervil dropped 14 in the DL spot to round out a pretty solid fantasy week. The only problem? Facing Amy's on-fire Pats.

NEXT UP: Patriots vs. Bear Down Brawlers

NEXT UP: 49ers vs. Sawyer Shinobi's

Packers 156.34, Chiefs 143.52

The Packers move to 5-1 and the difference in a win and a loss in Week 6 comes down to a ginger quarterback. At this point, scroll back up to re-read the Mayan calender comments. Andy Dalton had a gingerbread-sandwich 27.74 points and AJ Green went off (again) for a 27-point day on the receiving end of the Bengals loss in Cleveland. (Cleveland won, that's not a typo. Mayans, man. Mayans.) Stephen Gostkowski had 11 points to continue making the points that every single New England Patriot on roster is a great fantasy option. Ray Lewis had a RIP 11 points, as the big man is done for the season after tearing his triceps.

I would be so pissed if one of my dudes dropped a double-50-burger with pickles, lettuce tomato and extra cheese on a sesame seed bun and I still lost. Oh, wait. That happened this week for the Chiefs. Aaron Rodgers had six — SIX! — touchdown passes in a beatdown of the Texans in Houston for a grand total of 53.22 points. The rest of the roster had 90.70 points. Again, Aaron Rodgers: 53.22 points; rest of roster: 90.70 points.

NEXT UP: Packers vs. Stairway to Seven

NEXT UP: Chiefs vs. Gronk Smash!

He's so fat.

Da Bears 161.24, Stairway to Seven 155.66

Go back to your childhood. Remember when Lucy pulls the ball away from Charlie Brown just when he's about to kick it. That happens to Stairway to Seven every single week. EVERY SINGLE WEEK. This week, stairway dropped dub figs in six roster spots, including Peyton Manning's 30-burger, Ahmad Bradshaw's 20-burger and a fourth-quarter only 15.50 from Megatron. Jermaine Gresham led all tight ends in Week 6 with 12.80 and Mike Wallace had a big-time 15.40 on Thursday Night Football. J.J. Watt kept being J.J. Watt, scoring 11.50 in the DL spot. What's it all add up to? A 6-point loss to Da Bears after dropping 155 points. EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK.

Fat Stafford had 25.14 points, basically, all in the fourth quarter and Jordy Nelson dropped a white boy 32-burger with HAM to help Da Bears to the win. Welcome back to Shon Greene, who used his flux capacitor and a 1983 Delorean to go back in time for a 39-burger with extra way-back sauce. It won't last, though. It can't right. Mayans, man. Mayans.

NEXT UP: Da Bears vs. Decatur Staleys

NEXT UP: Stairway to Seven vs. Patriots

Bear Down Brawlers 101.68, Boondock Saints 101.12

Take a look at that final score one more time. How bad does that suck for Boondock? Bad. Arian Foster had 16 points in the Texans' Sunday Night Football loss against the Packers, Matt Bryant had 12 points in the kicker slot and that was it for dub fig performances as Don's Brawlers squeaked by this week with a half-point win. Philip Rivers tried his best to cost the Brawlers the matchup with his God awful Monday Night Football performance, but his 9.64 points were 9.08 points enough to get the win.

Eli Manning had 13.52 points for Boondock and the Jets D/ST dropped 20 against the Suck for Luck Colts in this all-kinds-of-pissed-off loss. Jeremy Maclin finally showed up, putting down a 21-burger in a losing effort against Detroit. Justin Tuck doughnut'd in the DL spot and Brian Hartline put up another doughnut in the W/T flex. None of that matters, though. The fact is Boondock lost by .56. And that just sucks.

NEXT UP: Bear Down Brawlers vs. Patriots

NEXT UP: Boondock Saints vs. Ben There Raped That

Maybe this will cheer Scott up.

Decatur Staleys 134.48, Gronk Smash! 122.42

For whatever reason, this one seemed like the slap fight of the week. For Decatur, it was RGIII that delivered the fatal slap, though, running for a 76-yard touchdown to cap the late schedule of games that gave the Staleys a win over the man who invited me to this league to begin with. RGIII's 39-burger was the only noteworthy performance in this matchup. Ray Rice had a more normal 22-point day for him in a season that's been much more disappointing than what he's made look normal in the past. Kenny Britt may not be a sack of flaming dog terds after all, as he scored his first touchdown Thursday night to help the Titans come from behind to beat the Steelers. KB finished with 12.20 points. The Bucs D/ST had 17 points against those awful, awful Chiefs powered by that awful, awful Brady Quinn.

Smash! opted for Ben Roethlisberger over Joe Flacco, proving Scott isn't so Wacco for Flacco. At least not right now. The Big Berger had 21.92 points against the Titans, leading Smash! in points in Week 6. Percy Harvin (how consistent has he been this year?) had another dub-fig day with 15 points and Vincent Jackson went off again with 18 points against those same awful, awful Chiefs. Shady McCoy had 18.60 points but the big blow going forward — at least to Week 7 — for Smash! is Jerry Jones saying this week that DeMarrco Murray won't play Sunday because of a bad ankle.

NEXT UP: Decatur Staleys vs. Da Bears

NEXT UP: Gronk Smash! vs. Chiefs

Ben There Raped That 152.46, Sawyer Shinobi's 77.50

If Staleys-Smash! was a slap fight, this one was a pillow fight. And the commish brought a pillow stuffed with bricks to the party. Eight of Ben There's 13 roster spots dropped dub figs, led by Dez Bryants' 2012 awakening, scoring 21.50 points despite dropping the two-point conversion that would've helped Dallas to a win Sunday in Baltimore. Matt Ryan had a un-Matty Ice day with 12 points and Chris Johnson had an unlike-CJ day with 12.40 points. Roddy White had 13, Run DMC had 14 and Jason Hanson had 14 in the commish's consistently consistent beat down. In the individual defender slots, Chandler Jones (DL) had 13.50 and Daryl Washington (LB) had 14 points just for a kick to the nuts.

Exactly one week after pummeling Decatur into fantasy submission, the Shinobi's had exactly one dub fig day. That was Victor Cruz, who had a run-of-the-mill 11.80 points. Andrew Luck put together his own “Suck for Luck” campaign with 5.10 points. Others that sucked: Reggie Wayne (6.70); Jamaal Charles (4.70); Toby Gerhart (1.10). Insult to injury: LaDarius Webb, who was in the Shinobi's CB spot, is done for the year after tearing his ACL Sunday against Dallas. Webb's teammate and Shinobi's fantasy teammate Haloti Ngata (in Shinobi's DL spot) is also questionable with an injury heading into Week 7.

NEXT UP: Ben There Raped That vs. Boondock Saints

NEXT UP: Sawyer Shinobi's vs. 49ers

POWER RANKINGS

Pl. | Team | Record | Points For | Points Against

1. Packers | 5-1 | 864.64 | 775.86

2. Patriots | 5-1 | 782.50 | 733.40

3. Ben There Raped That | 4-2 | 818.78 | 663.30

4. Bear Down Brawlers | 4-2 | 806.92 | 725.12

5. Sawyer Shinobi's | 4-2 | 754.56 | 719.92

6. Decatur Staleys | 4-2 | 752.86 | 787.82

7. Da Bears | 3-3 | 823.96 | 834.68

8. Chiefs | 2-4 | 734.28 | 815.64

9. Boondock Saints | 2-4 | 721.28 | 731.78

10. Stairway to Seven | 1-5 | 873.60 | 917.68

11. Gronk Smash! | 1-5 | 779.06 | 822.56

12. 49ers | 1-5 | 707.08 | 891.56

I'll end it the way I should ever week from now on. With this guy.

Amy's 5-1? ... ALIENS.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Week 5 — Ball Outs and Beat Downs

MJD's neck has more depth than Decatur. Fact.

Sawyer Shinobi's 155.64,
Decatur Staleys 83.84

Let's just get right to it, because I know you're all waiting for me to write it: I took the fantasy beating of my life in Week 5. Like 'Who even let this guy in the league?' kind of beat down. A 'banana in my pocket and turned a monkey loose' slaughter. Being without Miles Austin (bye week) and Lance Moore (hamstring) exposed my extremely thin bench. Also, choosing to trade for RGIII between Week 4 and 5 proved to be THE BEST DECISION EVER (RGIII Weeks 1-4: 31, 32, 27, 24; RGIII Week 5: 4 points, concussion). I had two doughnuts in my starting lineup in attempting to makeup for the absence of Moore and Miles via free agency: Greg Little (CLE) and Jacoby Jones (BAL). My third free agent pick up last week was Henry Melton. He also doughnut'd. A combined 23.20 points from Marhsawn Lynch and Ray Rice didn't help matters. I'd also like to thank Dennis Pitta for not showing up for a third straight week. Counting RGIII's pre-concussed 4 points, I've had a COMBINED 9 points at the quarterback position over the last THREE WEEKS. 9! And insult to injury: I had zero touchdowns in my starting lineup. 0!!!! Just embarrassing. Seriously, awful.

Enough of that beat down, on to the 'ball outs' portion of the headline. Sawyer Shinobi's pummeled me into submission and didn't even need Cam Newton (7.84) to help in the matter. Reggie Wayne, who apparently hit the fountain of youth with Andrew Luck at QB in Indy, went for a 2007-like 37.20 points. Victor Cruz had 23 points, including three touchdowns (3!!!) and Jamaal Charles kept up his 'I'm the only viable option in this offense' production in KC with 18.10 points. Alshon Jeffery had 8 points (including a score) before hurting his hand (he'll reportedly miss 4-6 weeks) in the second half in Jacksonville. The Baltimore D/ST contributed consistent numbers like it always does, finishing with 15 points after holding Charles and the aforementioned KC offense to 6 points.

NEXT UP: Decatur Staley's vs. Gronk Smash!

NEXT UP: Ben There Raped That vs. Sawyer Shinobi's

Bear Down Brawlers 203.96, Stairway to Seven 163.60

The most impressive of the Week 5 ball outs goes to Don's Bear Down Brawlers, who cracked the two-bills barrier with 203.96 points in a win over Stairway to Seven, who had the misfortune of drawing the two-bill Brawlers in a week with a no-way-I-should-lose 163.60 points. The Brawlers had nine of 13 starters drop dub-figs (Philip Rivers, 25.16; Malcom Floyd, 12.80, Marques Colston, 33.10; Ryan Matthews 19.90; Arian Foster, 27.80, Tony Gonzalez, 20.30, Matt Forte, 14.70; Sean Witherspoon, 12.50; San Fran D/ST 13.00). The now healthy additions of Matt Forte and Ryan Matthews makes two-bills not out of the question in the coming weeks. Another fountain of youth development: Tony Gonzalez (four touchdowns in five weeks). Colston and Foster just put up sick numbers. Congrats, Don.

Had I scored 163 points and lost, you wouldn't be reading this, because I would've thrown my laptop out the window by now. Seven got 32.70 from Peyton Manning, 15.50 from Julio Jobnes and a welcome-back-35 burger from a now-healthy Ahmad Bradshaw and still lost by 40. Bradshaw was the good news. The bad news was one-time-free-agent-superstar Andre Brown's doughnut playing behind Bradshaw. Mike Wallace laid a 1.70-point egg but Reggie Bush had a bounce-back 13.20. Another fun note to ponder: All three of Seven's defenders (Roman Harper, 10.50; J.J. Watt, 11.00; James Laurinaitis, 11.50) dropped dub-figs in the no-way-this-should've-been-a-loss losing effort. Condolences, Eric.

NEXT UP: Bear Down Brawlers vs. Boondock Saints

NEXT UP: Stairway to Seven vs. Da Bears

Give that man an extension.

Packers 117.40,
Ben There Raped That 104.20

How is Drew Brees not the No. 1 overall pick in every fantasy draft every year? Dude is money in the bank. First five weeks for Brees this year: 29.56, 23, 26.5, 40.84, 38.60 points. The 38-burger this week helped Brandon come-from-behind during Sunday Night Football to beat the Commish's Ben There squad. A.J. Green had, at least by A.J. Green standards, a let down with 12.50 points after going for a combined 50.10 points in Weeks 3 and 4. Frank Gore had 18 in San Fran and Ray Lewis dropped a dub-fig defender day with 10 points. A potentially large blow to the Packers could be the loss of Danny Amendola, who was injured in the Rams Thursday Night Football win over the Cards. Amendola, who is out anywhere between 4-7 weeks according to reports, had 51.90 points over the first four weeks.

The Commish had another steady performance from Matt Ryan (24.20 points). That was really about it. The only other real highlights were Brandon Marshall's 23.40 points (two straight weeks for this half of the Ambiguously Gay Duo going over 100 yards receiving), Blair Walsh bringing in 12 points in the kicker slot and Courtland Finnegan 11.50 points from the DB position. Letdowns included the usually-big-time-WR Torrey Smith (3.80), always-terrible Chris Johnson (0.90) and Jimmy Graham (0.40). Roddy White had 6.80 points in the flex. So take that, Brock. At least both halves of our Week 4 trade were pretty much terrible in Week 5.

NEXT UP: Packers vs. Chiefs

NEXT UP: Ben There Raped That vs. Sawyer Shinobi's

49ers 126.50, Gronk Smash! 114.18

The 49ers didn't really get any over the top performances, but a 126.50 total was enough to finally get into the win column. The Rams D/ST had a big-time 27-point total on Thursday Night Football and Michael Vick put in a more consistent (something he's not been a lot of this year) 16 points. Larry Fitzgerlad had an 'eh' 9.20 and DeAngelo Williams decided a doughnut was good enough, finishing the day with -0.40 points. That's not a typo. That's a negative. A few dub-fig days (other than the already mentioned Vick and Rams D/ST) carried Sean's squad in this one: Adrian Peterson (10.30); Vernon Davis (12.60); Michael Crabtree (19.30) and Von Miller (15.50). Welcome to the W club, Sean.

The slide to start the season continues for Scott's Gronk Smash! squad. And to quote Scott (from Saturday morning), “If I lose this week, I'm going to kill myself.” So stay tuned for developments on that front. The loss wasn't without bright spots: Percy Harvin (25.60 points), Shady McCoy (14.00) and Justin Tucker (10.00) in the K slot. Joe Wacko-for-Flacco had a oomf 6.88 points to lead the disappointment. The Law Firm BJG-E had 1.60 and the Gronk had 3.50. Other than those three, not a terrible week for the Smash!, but the terrible start to the season continues. Can somebody get a pulse check on Scott?

NEXT UP: Gronk Smash! vs. Decatur Staleys

NEXT UP: 49ers vs. Patriots

Patriots 126.12, Da Bears 111.84

Another big day from Amy's Patriots trio and another win for Amy. Tom Terrific had 20.72, Wes Welker had 18.40 and Steven Ridley went for a second-straight 25 burger. That's 64.22 from the three, or an average of roughly 21.4 per Pat. That write-in draft pick Alfred Morris had another 15 points this week (that's 21.6. 8.9, 14.8, 18.9 and 16.5 through five weeks, if you're scoring at home). Lawrence Tynes was the only other dub-fig, with 11 points. Domenik Hixson had an 'ugh' 5 points and Eric Decker had an 'eh' 8.10, but those two are not matter. Amy keeps rolling behind her New Englanders. And if you're asking who's matched up against Amy the week of the Pats' bye, that would be me (in Week 9, Oct. 30-Nov. 5). That was literally the highlight of my fantasy week. That.

Da Bears had big days from the Chicago D/ST (31 points) and Daniel Thomas (21.80 points), but it was all quiet up and down the line-up from there. Ryan 'The Amish Rifle” Fitzpatrick had a shoot-himself-in-the-foot 3.14, MJD had a where-were-you 5.90 points and Jordy Nelson, the king of inconsistency, had 2.90 points. Stevie Johnson had 3.90 and Jermichael Finley continued his awful season with 1.10. Michael Turner had 12.90 points in a 24-17 win in Washington. Not a bad performance from that barrel-legged DUI machine, but nonetheless, Wii Todd's squad falls to 2-3.

NEXT UP: Patriots vs. 49ers

NEXT UP: Da Bears vs. Stairway to Seven

Chiefs 132.32, Boondock Saints 105.76

From the Toilet Bowl to 2-3, everyone welcome Matt's Chiefs back into contention. It's no surprise, either, that the resurgence of the Chiefs has been behind No. 1 overall pick Aaron Rodgers, who had 31.42 points to back up his bounce-back 38-burger from Week 4. Rodger's previous high before that was 28 way back in Week 1. Trent Richardson continued his Fantasy Rookie of the Year-like season with 18.8 (that makes a total of 79.2 for Richardson through five games, including a 4 point dud in Week 1). Martellus Bennett had 4 points in a game where he played through a hyperextended knee (tests coming this week to determine his out time, if any) and James Jones continued his pace as Rodger's favorite target this season in Green Bay's Greg Jennings-less offense with 17.60 points Sunday.

Boondock's 105 points were the second lowest in the league (still roughly 23 POINTS BETTER THAN ME) in a rather low scoring Week 5, ignoring, of course, Don and his 203 points (I'd prefer to ignore that, though). Eli Manning (26.26) and Curtis Lofton (12.50) were the only dub-fig performers in the 13-man starting line-up. Not-officially-hurt-he-just-plays-like-he's-hurt Jeremy Maclin continues to fall on his face week after week, this time with 3.90 points. Andre Johnson had just one catch (and just SIX targets) against the Jets in the Texans' win on Monday Night Football, playing in, statistically speaking, the most run-heavy offense in the NFL. Willis McGahee was held to 8.20 in New England and Cedric Benson ended up in a walking boot after 4.10 points and a sprained left foot in Indianapolis (Benson, by the way, has been officially ruled out for Sunday night's game against Houston). Brian Hartline had 5.90 points, that's just 35.6 points less than his ball out performance last week.

NEXT UP: Chiefs vs. Packers

NEXT UP: Boondock Saints vs. Bear Down Brawlers